The last month has been intense the say the least, with many unknowns about my future and as I am aware that one of my coping mechanisms is control its been even tougher...
However the last week the unknown has taken on a whole new level of scariness to say the least...I am not sure why and I am still learning about the effects of trauma and the recovery, however my body seems to be remember the trauma...and I keep getting triggered by so many things and with it comes a bodily and emotional memory...it is so random and I can't even seem to pinpoint the triggers...and its so subtle in how it comes about...however when it hits wohee...it hurts...and normally with pain there is s story...a logical story to go with it...however due to my amnesia I don't have a very clear story....so I just feel horrible....rage, angry, fear, sadness, suppression ect and my body is tense and tired and sore....energy pulsing through me feels all stuck...and then I get these dark flashbacks....images that are cloudy....its just horrendous!
One of the hardest challenges I am facing right now is being a mother and healing this, dealing with these moments when I have a very young daughter...who through of course no fault of her own is triggering me also...she is around the age where I first believe I was abused and I have been told this too can be a trigger as they reach the ages where we were traumatized as children...
All I am wanting, needing is to feel safe and free to laugh and play and enjoy this divine age she is at...however days I find myself struggling just to even connect, and this must be soooo painful for her....as it is for me....
We have also spent allot of 1:1 time with each other over this past week...and I have loved hanging out with her...enjoying our new home and the divine area we are living in, being so close to the beach and the lake has been such a blessing, water has always been so cleansing for me, I am very grateful...
I have found myself craving things which help me tune out, as I can't seem to escape the pain and not even sure if its helpful for me to allow it just to flow and rage like I feel my body wants too...there have been many tears, however not soothing as they use to be....
I have also noticed I have gone back to my old ways of not being grounded, constantly catching myself out with things that remind me if I am actually here or not!
I felt I was finally stepping forward in this healing journey...however maybe the stress of the move and the events of the past month have just all been allot and this might not of been so hard if the previous month had been more peaceful...who knows...and I guess it doesn't matter anyways...as all I have is the now....
Writing has been a saving grace for me...getting out of my head and helping me ground back into my body, it meets my needs for understanding, for as I write I see the picture, I see the sense of it all...and are then able to step back into the flow and journey I am on, knowing all is perfect and divine...and the unknown is all we have and its the gift in that it leaves for space for creating a new...
However the last week the unknown has taken on a whole new level of scariness to say the least...I am not sure why and I am still learning about the effects of trauma and the recovery, however my body seems to be remember the trauma...and I keep getting triggered by so many things and with it comes a bodily and emotional memory...it is so random and I can't even seem to pinpoint the triggers...and its so subtle in how it comes about...however when it hits wohee...it hurts...and normally with pain there is s story...a logical story to go with it...however due to my amnesia I don't have a very clear story....so I just feel horrible....rage, angry, fear, sadness, suppression ect and my body is tense and tired and sore....energy pulsing through me feels all stuck...and then I get these dark flashbacks....images that are cloudy....its just horrendous!
One of the hardest challenges I am facing right now is being a mother and healing this, dealing with these moments when I have a very young daughter...who through of course no fault of her own is triggering me also...she is around the age where I first believe I was abused and I have been told this too can be a trigger as they reach the ages where we were traumatized as children...
All I am wanting, needing is to feel safe and free to laugh and play and enjoy this divine age she is at...however days I find myself struggling just to even connect, and this must be soooo painful for her....as it is for me....
We have also spent allot of 1:1 time with each other over this past week...and I have loved hanging out with her...enjoying our new home and the divine area we are living in, being so close to the beach and the lake has been such a blessing, water has always been so cleansing for me, I am very grateful...
I have found myself craving things which help me tune out, as I can't seem to escape the pain and not even sure if its helpful for me to allow it just to flow and rage like I feel my body wants too...there have been many tears, however not soothing as they use to be....
I have also noticed I have gone back to my old ways of not being grounded, constantly catching myself out with things that remind me if I am actually here or not!
I felt I was finally stepping forward in this healing journey...however maybe the stress of the move and the events of the past month have just all been allot and this might not of been so hard if the previous month had been more peaceful...who knows...and I guess it doesn't matter anyways...as all I have is the now....
Writing has been a saving grace for me...getting out of my head and helping me ground back into my body, it meets my needs for understanding, for as I write I see the picture, I see the sense of it all...and are then able to step back into the flow and journey I am on, knowing all is perfect and divine...and the unknown is all we have and its the gift in that it leaves for space for creating a new...
Love to all
Marakiyha
