Bikram yoga came into my life a while back now, I use to practice it in London, which was such a blessing to feel hot and sweaty when the majority of the time I was either cold or luke warm!
However since returning to Australia and getting back into it a whole new level or expansion and transformation has unfolded in my classes and I am writing about it here, because anyone on a journey of greater self discovery and deep healing from trauma, I feel would benefit from regular practice, one caviet,,,only if you are up for a challenge...
Maybe the major shift has come about because back in London I had no awareness of what I had experienced as a child and I was not consciously shifting and healing the wounding and beliefs and finally allowing the emotions from that period of my life to flow...as it was I was simply living in the reality of no awareness..
Now though my classes have really become ME TIME...processing time, relaxing time, challenging time and most of all a great place for me to stay present grounded and connected...which has been my key to being able to live my life on a daily basis without feeling totally overwhelmed by all the memories and emotions I am now experiencing without much control of when they crop up!
Just realised I have not explained for those of you who don't know the style of yoga, why its so hard and yet so beautiful...the room is heated to around 37' and then about 90% humidity...there are 26 postures in total half standing and half based from the floor...there are reasons for all of this and if you want to learn more about it google 'bikram yoga'.
However what this means for me...and my journey...is a place I can stretch, and allow the memories to flow out of me in a warm supported environment. Throughout my healing journey my physical body has played a vital role in that...I feel it in my body allot. As a new wave of memories come up to be healed I feel intense emotions lifting of me during my classes and also during my meditations. Sometimes I am drawn to cry in class and find it hard to stay still. As movement helps suppress emotions, however I persist as I know that if I do stay still and let go it gets intense and then lifts, and then I become lighter, and that feels yumi.
Some classes are harder than others, most generally I can say that if I am feeling emotionally tense then class is going to make me face it...because as I twist and constrict muscles, joints and tendons ect...nothing can hide that is ready to move on....everything movement is balance...my heart is opened massively and on both sides...there is no place to hide. Where as on a day to day basis i will often find myself holding my body in certain ways to protect myself or whats actually underneath...the emotion...and in class I can't.
During class too its common for people to feel light headed and fainting can happen, as well as feeling nauseous. As you can imagine the heat coupled with humidity and exercise and then releasing all the toxins from the organs and tissues not surprising this happens. Before in London this was not a major challenge for me, however now has become a big one...as fainting was a coping mechanism for me, and with trauma you heart rate often increases massively very quickly which is simulated in class. So every time I felt I was going to faint or my heart rate rose quickly I would loose it, have to sit down and not be able to push through, as I knew I wasn't at the stage I was going to faint but the feeling meant the memory and fear snapped in and exaggerated the whole experience. So to counteract this I decided to speak to my teachers as I was getting highly frustrated like my abuser was in the room stopping me from doing what I love. I asked them if they would be willing to be my safe person, if I were to faint, agreeing to keep me safe if I did faint. As knowing if I did faint it would be in a room full of strangers made it even worse, but if I knew there was someone watching out for me, then I could push myself that little bit harder, and not feel like my abuser was winning.
Its worked and now I am able to often push through moments of light headedness or nausea and high heart rate and re-ground myself, let go and flow!
My new experience which I am still learning to deal with is at random times of rest during the class, my whole body shudders or flinches like its just been electrocuted...it feels odd and then in that moment, the only way to explain it is , I feel traumatized and want to ball my eyes out. I use my grounding technique to bring myself back to the present and sometimes let a few tears out...and then later when meditating set the intention to go into whatever was asking to come out during my class..not holding onto the outcome.
Occasionally my teachers have made quiet comments to me that I am safe...and it helps bring me back to the now...another affirming my existence here. I always talk to them after class...and it always in my struggling classes that they comment on my determination and how my energy feels very strong to them. I enjoy getting this acknowledge...as I feel more understood...as its not been easy facing my trauma in a class however for me has been an empowering experience, that to know that even when I have triggered it won't take over my life unless I let it...and when I ask I can get the support I need to LIVE the life I want to.
I am not the only one who struggles in class too and others also cry, and we support each other by staying standing when we want to sit down and not face up or stand up when we are feeling overwhelmed. It may sound like I am not honoring how I am feeling, although I am standing and facing it, its in that, which is also where I am letting go and allowing myself to be and if when I am in a posture an intense rage comes over me...I greet it and then it continue on its journey out of me. Its tough, but I love the challenge, its empowering to feel the scariest of emotions and still be able to live for me.
Every single class is different and every single teacher brings a greater gift of awareness to me, and for this I am truly grateful.
Namaste Bikram. and the teachers who guide me.
Love to all Marakihya
However since returning to Australia and getting back into it a whole new level or expansion and transformation has unfolded in my classes and I am writing about it here, because anyone on a journey of greater self discovery and deep healing from trauma, I feel would benefit from regular practice, one caviet,,,only if you are up for a challenge...
Maybe the major shift has come about because back in London I had no awareness of what I had experienced as a child and I was not consciously shifting and healing the wounding and beliefs and finally allowing the emotions from that period of my life to flow...as it was I was simply living in the reality of no awareness..
Now though my classes have really become ME TIME...processing time, relaxing time, challenging time and most of all a great place for me to stay present grounded and connected...which has been my key to being able to live my life on a daily basis without feeling totally overwhelmed by all the memories and emotions I am now experiencing without much control of when they crop up!
Just realised I have not explained for those of you who don't know the style of yoga, why its so hard and yet so beautiful...the room is heated to around 37' and then about 90% humidity...there are 26 postures in total half standing and half based from the floor...there are reasons for all of this and if you want to learn more about it google 'bikram yoga'.
However what this means for me...and my journey...is a place I can stretch, and allow the memories to flow out of me in a warm supported environment. Throughout my healing journey my physical body has played a vital role in that...I feel it in my body allot. As a new wave of memories come up to be healed I feel intense emotions lifting of me during my classes and also during my meditations. Sometimes I am drawn to cry in class and find it hard to stay still. As movement helps suppress emotions, however I persist as I know that if I do stay still and let go it gets intense and then lifts, and then I become lighter, and that feels yumi.
Some classes are harder than others, most generally I can say that if I am feeling emotionally tense then class is going to make me face it...because as I twist and constrict muscles, joints and tendons ect...nothing can hide that is ready to move on....everything movement is balance...my heart is opened massively and on both sides...there is no place to hide. Where as on a day to day basis i will often find myself holding my body in certain ways to protect myself or whats actually underneath...the emotion...and in class I can't.
During class too its common for people to feel light headed and fainting can happen, as well as feeling nauseous. As you can imagine the heat coupled with humidity and exercise and then releasing all the toxins from the organs and tissues not surprising this happens. Before in London this was not a major challenge for me, however now has become a big one...as fainting was a coping mechanism for me, and with trauma you heart rate often increases massively very quickly which is simulated in class. So every time I felt I was going to faint or my heart rate rose quickly I would loose it, have to sit down and not be able to push through, as I knew I wasn't at the stage I was going to faint but the feeling meant the memory and fear snapped in and exaggerated the whole experience. So to counteract this I decided to speak to my teachers as I was getting highly frustrated like my abuser was in the room stopping me from doing what I love. I asked them if they would be willing to be my safe person, if I were to faint, agreeing to keep me safe if I did faint. As knowing if I did faint it would be in a room full of strangers made it even worse, but if I knew there was someone watching out for me, then I could push myself that little bit harder, and not feel like my abuser was winning.
Its worked and now I am able to often push through moments of light headedness or nausea and high heart rate and re-ground myself, let go and flow!
My new experience which I am still learning to deal with is at random times of rest during the class, my whole body shudders or flinches like its just been electrocuted...it feels odd and then in that moment, the only way to explain it is , I feel traumatized and want to ball my eyes out. I use my grounding technique to bring myself back to the present and sometimes let a few tears out...and then later when meditating set the intention to go into whatever was asking to come out during my class..not holding onto the outcome.
Occasionally my teachers have made quiet comments to me that I am safe...and it helps bring me back to the now...another affirming my existence here. I always talk to them after class...and it always in my struggling classes that they comment on my determination and how my energy feels very strong to them. I enjoy getting this acknowledge...as I feel more understood...as its not been easy facing my trauma in a class however for me has been an empowering experience, that to know that even when I have triggered it won't take over my life unless I let it...and when I ask I can get the support I need to LIVE the life I want to.
I am not the only one who struggles in class too and others also cry, and we support each other by staying standing when we want to sit down and not face up or stand up when we are feeling overwhelmed. It may sound like I am not honoring how I am feeling, although I am standing and facing it, its in that, which is also where I am letting go and allowing myself to be and if when I am in a posture an intense rage comes over me...I greet it and then it continue on its journey out of me. Its tough, but I love the challenge, its empowering to feel the scariest of emotions and still be able to live for me.
Every single class is different and every single teacher brings a greater gift of awareness to me, and for this I am truly grateful.
Namaste Bikram. and the teachers who guide me.
Love to all Marakihya
