Inspirational Words....

After a while
you learn the suble difference
between holding a hand
and chaining a soul,
And you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin
to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your
head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of an adult
not the grief of a child.
And you learn
to build all your roads on today...
because tomorrow's ground is too
uncertain for plans.
After a while
you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
that you really are strong,
and you really do have worth.
-Anonymous

www.innertranceformations.com.au

Connecting the bits and creating wholeness...

Something I have become acutely aware of is that a part of me has never really grown up from the age I was first abused....I learn't today that when you are traumatized as a child it stunts your growth...I had the ahhha moment....I have been wondering why I have always felt like I was a child pretending to be an adult yet it the same breath afraid to be childlike and 'have fun' 'let go' be playful....

Also how when I was trying to process the experiences of my life, how they always seemed to be processed in a highly emotional non rational way...especially when I was 'triggered' and then today I was told its normal that again trauma as a child often caused a wound in the center of the brain which helps it talk to each side, so when you receive information through the right side, it then normally gets passed to the left, this doesn't happen with me....at the moment

However through the healing process both can change, both can come back into alignment...wholeness....

I wanted to share the video I saw today....it for me explains beautifully...the struggle humanity is going through at the moment, moving from their heads to their hearts...left to right brain integration.... and for me this will become so much easier as I move through my journey....however I now have a better understanding of how I sometimes feel so separate from the world and then the next breath so connected....and I am sure in amongst this all are some coping mechanisms which come up when I am triggered which mean I process my experience in different ways and why I become to hypersensitive when I am triggered....

Blessings n Love to you all xxx

(http://www.ted.com Neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor had an opportunity few brain scientists would wish for: One morning, she realized she was having a massive stroke. As it happened -- as she felt her brain functions slip away one by one, speech, movement, understanding -- she studied and remembered every moment. This is a powerful story about how our brains define us and connect us to the world and to one another.)

Inner Child Vs Adult Self

So as I delve deeper into the reality of being a survivor of sexual abuse and what its meant for my life reality, I came to realise my inner child, was in utter turmoil...to say the least...at times it feels like she is insane, running around inside me, pulling at her hair, crying, raging, trying to get out of her body....then my adult self just sits there in utter disbelief, as with the lack of linear memories its been very difficult to 'make sense' of this on a logical level...and I am not sure I ever will....maybe just come to a space of peace with what is...

At the moment I am still very much in 'coping' stage, in that I use all the resources available to me to get through each day, I use numerous control patters, such as eating, which either means I eat nothing...to feel like I am in control or something to get the emotions pushed down asap like carbs or sugar....

Having a major passion in health and fitness this tears me up no end....I love the raw food lifestyle and live it as much as I can at the moment, however I notice as soon as I start eating very alive, life giving foods, my vibration raises and my light shines and its much harder to ignore or suppress my shadows....and I know I probably have this all backwards in that I would probably find it much easier to cope with the full on emotions if I ate more raw and less processed however, as I am still not feeling comfortable with the hectic, sometimes overwhelming emotions that are coming up at the moment, I am taking things one step at a time and know I will return to my rawful way of life in time.....

I notice my adult self judging and suppressing my inner child, like she's a naughty little girl sometimes...I have noticed my sincere lack of desire to be playful in my life unless its in a cheeky way as I don't know how just to have fun without expecting some kind of punishment for it I guess....although one thing that has always enlivened me is dancing and singing....I have noticed though that when I am cold (which is a trigger),,,or triggered in another way, I shut down, don't want to move, go anywhere or do anything, just hide away,,,,leave my body not feel all the overwhelmingness that is for me in that moment,,,and so maybe this explains why dancing helps me feel free and alive and that it is enjoyable to be in my body, and singing well I remember being silenced so of course feeling like my voice is not restricted and its safe to sing will always create the sense of freedom!

The other control patterns I use to stay disconnected are the internet...cleaning (who would I thought!) and movies....they all allow me to focus on something else, put my energy elsewhere or live through the emotions of others...because I don't want to face my own....

I no longer want to cope...I am now so acutely aware each time I am choosing to supress rather than honor and this act in it self tears me up....I want my inner child to feel safe, to be able to walk with me daily, enjoy being....enjoying living, learning, loving and giving....

However I am still not sure how to get from here, to there,,,,I know there needs to be some acceptance of what is...some healing of beliefs which hold me in the patterns of coping rather than living my real truths and less criticism of where I am at and why....

Its easy to say and I say it to my clients all the time, one step at a time, and as you take each step you will then know the next one, going with the flow, letting go...and allowing the process to unfold rather than trying to control it all...

So thats what I did and last week I met with a dear friend, who has experienced a similar journey to me....similar reactions and recovery as well...she has given me some wonderful tools to continue on my healing journey, one which I will share as its proven to be very helpful...

Each day I connect in with my inner child for 10minutes only...we meet in a safe space and I am just present with her...let her know I am here, and I also ask my (our) guardian angel to be present to watch over us both....sometimes we talk, other times she cries...more like rages in my arms...and then sometimes we just play.....we always say good bye with a cuddle and I always leave her in a safe space....

I guess I am giving myself the empathy, and loving support that I did not feel worthy of as a child, too afraid to ask for help, with the whole thing seemingly to BIG to deal with......however I have come to understand that there is a reason I am dealing with this now rather than then....and this question has brought me much anger and grief up until now....as I now understand I needed to life experience I have gained since the trauma to be able to properly process and heal from it, as at the age of 4 I did not have the understanding, the wisdom that has come with time....

Love n Blessings to all xxx

Why?

Welcome to my blog about my journey from Trauma to Inner Peace...

I am writing this blog, because when I first started reaching out for support for my healing journey, I was shocked and astonished with the lack of support their is available for people who have experienced the heinous crime of childhood sexual abuse...

Sure there are some great websites, and organisations here and there (In Australia), however, growing up and consequently healing from living with a alcoholic parent all my life....and the resources available to people on the same journey....does not even come close....

So I want to raise awareness for the need for more resources available to people, as one thing I have become acutely aware of is the number of people living with this trauma, yet not knowing where to go to get support, or seeing it as all too hard as the stigma associated with it, coupled with the lack of openly available support to do so.

I also want to share my story, as I have been so grateful to the others out there that have done the same and have helped me have the courage to continue...

I will not be using names, nor giving explicit details....I will be however, be writing from my heart in total honesty....

This experience forgotten until recently has taken the rug from under my feet,,,,thrown me into a world so unknown to me, its has scared me deeply, yet I know I have the resources within to deal with it all...and there is always divine timing in everything..

I want to acknowledge and thank from the depths of my being, all the people who are lovingly supporting me through this....without you, the ease and grace that I see it all unfolding with would not be the same...

I welcome comments, I ask that nothing is taken personally, and this is a journal of sorts of my journey, my truths and I do not state them in the context that they are everyone's, expect my own....

The Journey Begins

So the journey from trauma to inner peace has begun....having found out or remembered that I was sexually abused as a child....I am now on the journey of remembering, healing and forgiving....

The feelings of something was wrong started 3years ago when fears around intimacy begun, with unfounded reasons....after searching within for answers....and it never occurring to me that I may of been abused sexually as a child and just repressed it...relationship counselling triggered memories of being held down and used as a tool for my abuser to feel powerful.....

It was a major shock and every time I tried to access the memories, my body would shut down and I would begin to faint...

I ended up leaving it and putting it in the healing box, continued on my journey of self discovery and healing, however in hindsight, I was still very much in denial that it had actually happened to me....And unfortunately this denial meant I prolonged the true begining to my healing journey...which has now begun....

The trauma from the events finally hit home after my first counseling session where I told my story from the memories I did have which had come up in consequent healing sessions...telling my story was like opening Pandora's box....the part of my brain that had stored and repressed the trauma for 23years or so was triggered and the following weekend, I did not know myself, I was in a world of pain and rage, fear overwhelming....I got a taste of what was to come...

I had entered a world unknown to me....as growing up as a child of an alcoholic, I had become accustomed to the consequences of that experience and had learned and healed allot around it,,,however sexual abuse, trauma was a whole new kettle of fish, and I was shocked to my core, at the lack of open support there is for victims of this heinous crime...and the stigma that is attached to being a survivor of such an experience...

I have now found the support I need to deepen my understanding of the effects and consequences...the support to start healing and start dealing with how this experience has played out in my belief systems and coping strategies I use in my every day life...

It has made so much sense, in that I now understand so much more about why I was the way I was as a child and teenager...why I struggled with relationships and trusting people...ect..and each day I am learning more....

I believe we choose the experiences we have in life to help us learn and grow, this one is certainly going to teach me allot as it has the the most profound affect on my life in terms of my beliefs systems, and I look forward to breaking down the limiting ones and replacing them with truth and love filled ones...

May all who are on the journey of recovery from childhood sexual abuse be filled with the courage to face their past with love and compassion for themselves first and foremost and the abuser/s involved....we are all divine beings with the ability to heal anything and everything....I wish you all peace on your journeys...may your lives continue to shine brighter each day you come closer to yourselves and your truths.....

Love, peace, serenity...Marakiyha