Sometimes the unknown is scary beyond measure and then you realise thats life...we are always stepping into the unknown...

The last month has been intense the say the least, with many unknowns about my future and as I am aware that one of my coping mechanisms is control its been even tougher...

However the last week the unknown has taken on a whole new level of scariness to say the least...I am not sure why and I am still learning about the effects of trauma and the recovery, however my body seems to be remember the trauma...and I keep getting triggered by so many things and with it comes a bodily and emotional memory...it is so random and I can't even seem to pinpoint the triggers...and its so subtle in how it comes about...however when it hits wohee...it hurts...and normally with pain there is s story...a logical story to go with it...however due to my amnesia I don't have a very clear story....so I just feel horrible....rage, angry, fear, sadness, suppression ect and my body is tense and tired and sore....energy pulsing through me feels all stuck...and then I get these dark flashbacks....images that are cloudy....its just horrendous!

One of the hardest challenges I am facing right now is being a mother and healing this, dealing with these moments when I have a very young daughter...who through of course no fault of her own is triggering me also...she is around the age where I first believe I was abused and I have been told this too can be a trigger as they reach the ages where we were traumatized as children...

All I am wanting, needing is to feel safe and free to laugh and play and enjoy this divine age she is at...however days I find myself struggling just to even connect, and this must be soooo painful for her....as it is for me....

We have also spent allot of 1:1 time with each other over this past week...and I have loved hanging out with her...enjoying our new home and the divine area we are living in, being so close to the beach and the lake has been such a blessing, water has always been so cleansing for me, I am very grateful...

I have found myself craving things which help me tune out, as I can't seem to escape the pain and not even sure if its helpful for me to allow it just to flow and rage like I feel my body wants too...there have been many tears, however not soothing as they use to be....

I have also noticed I have gone back to my old ways of not being grounded, constantly catching myself out with things that remind me if I am actually here or not!

I felt I was finally stepping forward in this healing journey...however maybe the stress of the move and the events of the past month have just all been allot and this might not of been so hard if the previous month had been more peaceful...who knows...and I guess it doesn't matter anyways...as all I have is the now....

Writing has been a saving grace for me...getting out of my head and helping me ground back into my body, it meets my needs for understanding, for as I write I see the picture, I see the sense of it all...and are then able to step back into the flow and journey I am on, knowing all is perfect and divine...and the unknown is all we have and its the gift in that it leaves for space for creating a new...

Love to all

Marakiyha

Endings and new Beginnings...or is it just life...and its eb and flow

Its been ages since I wrote...and allot has been transforming on many levels...

There have been some massive endings...and from this divine re-birth....however something that has come from it that has been a massive gift of sorts, is the complete and utter contentment with how everything is and complete and utter gratitude for everyone and everything...

Last week as I was sorting through old boxes from my childhood in preparation for our move...letting go of the old...and I remembered allot of people who had crossed my path and our stories came to mind....

In the past I look at those stories from the viewpoint of them affirming my lack of worth to some degree or another...these days however I noticed the gifts each and everyone of them had brought to my love and my heart welled with love and gratitude for them all. Sure of the experiences had not been so enjoyable, yet there were sweet gitfs within each of them and looking back on them from a space of perfection, balance and love I was able to see them...

It also showed me how far I had come...in terms of my own internal mirror I am projecting now...

And then as always the universe gives me a little affirmation...and this time it was a yumi youtube viedo...talking about life and its perfection and how when we see it so, the truth of it all..wow, well for me it just affirmed my choice in my daily creations of love...

So I recommend taking a moment to listen to this and enjoy the pictures and notice how you feel inside and how your body reacts to these words...

Ready for 2012 & Beyond - Abraham Hicks

With Love Marakiyha

On the wings of Angels...

May my next steps be taken....as tears flow as I write this post, in mourning for a relationship and a union I held dear to my heart....I ask that my angels carry me through this massive transformation I am going through....a few nights ago...after the end became final...I stumble across this song on youtube....well you can say stumble but actually I think it was my angels letting me know they are near and hear me....are holding me and helping me through this massive time of change....as I listened to the words of the song....they resonated so deeply with my heart....and as my arms swung wide open falling to the ground in despair...I let me heart let go....the tears streamed down my face...my body convulsing in release....

The song many of you will know...


How cleansing and healing my tears have become for me on this journey...for too long I would not let them flow for fear of the emotion that came with them....however now after hours of crying...I recognise and have experienced the deep healing and clarity that comes with the letting go and honoring of how I am feeling...

I now welcome my tears...and feel 'safe' to honor the emotions that are asking me to see more deeply into myself...I also now see how so much of my energy has been taken up with living with beliefs that are not meeting my needs and are based on decision made via fear not love...and then perpetuating this suffering with suppressing emotions that where letting me know its time to change....to shift...to transform my reality I am creating...and STOP looking outside of myself to change my 'surroundings in hope of bring greater peace within....

As I noticed today and have also been trying to show my daughter...it does not matter what is going on externally....you can be surrounded with complete chaos...yet sitting in a complete state of peace....however the chaos will rub you up the wrong way if you are not honoring the chaos within that needs your attention....so I now look at a messy room differently....its now a reminder when I am getting frustrated with the chaos to look within and honor may chaos and create the peace within first....

So in the arms of my angels, I give thanks for the love and support my dearest friends have shown me on my journey....with you and my angels holding me I have managed to deepen, strengthen and love the truth of me and my shadows a little more and see they gifts with greater clarity that going within offers...

Namaste Marakihya

My life has been a lie...to enter the abyss...

Delving deeper in my current truths the beliefs that have been shaping my reality, one painfully controlling one is that I am worthless...yes worthless...and in response to getting triggered in this belief, I become angry and avoid all connection...in the hope of feeling powerful...well this leaves me in one lonely place...and I no longer want to create this reality....

Sure my head says I am worthless, however my heart does not believe it....lol not!!

So up until this point in my lfe I have been living and believing and creating the reality that I am worthless all the while trying to disprove this,,,approving of it...

Basically meaning,,,that I have lived a lie....OUCH to say the least...for numerous reasons...however a biggy being that I let myself live with such a ridiculous belief which has held me in a pattern of suffering...and all that I have created has been a lie...my ego although had me believing otherwise...

Now choosing, to no longer live this lie....and live from my heart not my head, I come to a moment where I no longer know myself for who I use to be was based on a big fat lie....and who I am in this moment is a worthy person....

However to really integrate that reality into my being into my living....experiencing that as a truth..there is one step I have taken which has been tough to say the least....

Forgiving others has not been the issue...forgiving myself for allowing myself to live with such a lie for so long for creating a life that was a lie...ouch...pain poured out of my heart, in fact out of every cell in my body...such sadness and grief...for the life I wanted to be living, have lived and the suffering I have caused myself...

Accepting my life until this point has been a lie has probably been one of the toughest things I have done...on all levels...as it meant facing, my past, the abuser and no longer standing in victim-hood, but in an empowered loving empathetic state....

I am exhausted,,,,I am relieved...and I am excited about re-birthing myself in my new reality...

With Love Marakihya

Connection - To Connect or Not to Connect

I recently experienced a 'field center facilitation' with a dear friend....and it came into my conscious awareness why authentic connection with another human being was so difficult for me and well downright scary!

When we delve into our ourselves for the answers to our questions....why is there xxx in my life? we often come across our belief systems which in the past were created to serve us and get our needs met, however through our life experiences we have realized that the belief system we once held is no longer serving and getting our needs met. It then comes up to be transformed into one which will meet our needs once again and come into greater alignment with who you are wanting to be today and what you are wanting to experience...

Now back to the beginning...Connection has become a topic of conversation in my life which has been heightened since having my daughter, as she has asked me to connect with her on a daily basis since she was born and it wasn't until I had her that I realised how anti I was about connecting with people full stop!

I noticed as I started to delve deeper into how the abuse in my childhood had affected my current reality a whole truck load of anger came up...I had experienced stages in my life before where I had been angry but nothing like this....at the time it felt like it took over me, every cell in my body...and whenever I was triggered it would come flying out of the cupboard like there was no tomorrow, literally!

Obviously the anger that would come up created more separation in my dearest relationships, as I was scared of it, let alone people closest to me...the anger manifested in behavior that was downright horrible, yelling, screaming, shouting and slamming whatever I could get my hands on...I never physically hurt anyone, however I know on some level it was emotional abuse, and for this I am truly sorry....

I would often try and sit with it after the moment had passed and see where it was coming from....a myriad of reasons would come up, however I could never really pinpoint one...or a belief around it which gave it reason to be....also because of how I felt when I had submerged myself in it...allowing it to take over...I then became scared to really address why it had come about in the first place...

So this lead to me avoiding authentic connection with everyone, I knew I was not properly connecting, however I have lived that way for so long...I just used the excuse that I was dealing with 'big stuff' at the moment, so it was best people weren't close to me anyways....especially people closest to me, because I was scared I would get triggered and when I was triggered I found it hardest to keep in control of the anger....

Well this of course was not serving me, as it lead to the creation on loneliness, and that is not fun to live with...it was not serving my need for connection in any way....yet I felt safe and this confused me..

So finally in the field center facilitation I realised the belief which held me in my loneliness cycle...which is....connection = obliteration of myself...I will no longer exist, I will merge into the other person, dissolving, and then comes whats the point of living??? its one painful belief system...however I created to keep myself 'safe'....as one of the first major intimate relationships in my life was tainted, the abuse experience meant I decided that connection was not safe, I was not 'seen' when I connected with people and therefore its 'safest' not to connect!

Now of course this is distorted, however at the time I did not have the life experience, and did not feel safe to talk with anyone about it...to make sense of it...so since that moment on, I have purposely not connected with people, hiding behind who I thought they wanted me to be...not expressing who I was, because it was not safe....and I have always wondered why the friends I cared about the most, often if not always seemed to travel, live in another country or moved into state....it meant I did not have to connect on a deep level....they were not around, asking me to....and I know its been a frustration for my family when I have been overseas not connecting often...however for me it was convenient...not that I did not care, for I did and do deeply, just my belief meant this was was best...my existence was more important, I wanted to feel like I had a reason to live and not believe what I felt in those moments when I was abuse...that I was not worthy to be seen, heard or even felt....

So the belief system I do want to hold now is that connection = fun, joy, easy, supportive, however when I was asked if I wanted to now choose this it was like someone was asking me to commit suicide....and there was NO WAY I was going to do it....

I sat with this complete rejection and asked why it was that choosing a reality that would mean my needs where met, so so horribly terrifying and wrong for me...and what came was all to do with the anger...

Anger is not accepted in society as an emotion that is ok to express in any way shape or form...and whenever I expressed anger it hurt people, it was rejected and I chose to feel rejected, however as a little girl experiencing sexual abuse...I was angry beyond words....and my inner child is...and to me by accepting the new belief was saying the anger was not ok...however I had every right to be angry as my need for safety and protection was not met....for understanding and autonomy....and I needed someone to sit with me and let me be angry and rage and just feel...what I had suppressed for 25years or so.....to me that is letting myself grieve for my inner child that was overshadowed by this experience until now...for the lost connection....I do not regret my past for it has shaped who I am choosing to be today...and the awareness this experience has brought me is a gift...

I would often sit with myself wanting to cry...however this anger would over shadow my need to cry...I wanted someone to sit with me while I could allow the anger to flow...the rage to flow...and once that was gone the tears could finally follow....

So I am sure more will be revealed when I have moved through the above...and authentic connection prevails in my life...wow day dreaming about that reality...its a joyful, love filled reality....TBC...

If you would like more information about field center facilitation which I highly recommend, please go here... http://www.parentingwithpresence.net/index.php?pageid=1712

With Love Marakiyha

The gift of relationships...

This journey has shone a bright light on all of my relationships, especially the closest ones...the people who I consider family, who are family....and wow this journey as really put them to test to say the least....the closest ones have been pushed the most...my biggest mirrors....my closest relationships have asked to me to set straight the limiting beliefs I hold about myself....

This to me is the gift of relationships...the mirrors they are for us, because without them we would not experience all we are and all that we are not....and this journey as been very much about getting real about who I am....and who I am not....and coming to peace with all of it...

However I have struggled with the toll it has taken....on the people dearest to me....and you know who you are....I have been told by them that they think I don't care about them...that their health and happiness are not important to me anymore and haven't been for a long time...and boy did that cut deep....because at the end of the day the LAST thing I want them to think....because i DO care so deeply about them....and its been hard not being able to be there for them...because this journey as been so tough on them as well....and I know this...the person I was, the person I am somtimes morphs into something I don't even recognise....anger, frustration, pain take over, my inner child does everyone thing in her power to try and gain control again and feel safe...however externally this looks like me shutting out my loved ones and not caring....but please know I do...I really do...and I feel SOOO blessed that you have stuck by me on this journey....

The gratitude I hold in my heart for you can not be put into words because its so great...for the support, the trust, the love and the greater clarity you offer me about myself, which has been so helpful on this journey, even though at times more challenging than I thought I could handle...

I have struggled at times to stay connected to myself, let alone anyone close to me...and I know the connection starts with me....however at times I have chosen to float...as more 'stuff' has come up to face....processing has also been hard....as my memory has been so temporary and distorted....I find I sometimes just struggle remembering what I am wanting to achieve each day and having a simple conversation at times can even be frustrating because words elude me...memories elude me....and its embarrassing....these are not excuses....I hope in sharing my inner world you will see, people might understand...that its not about them but so totally about me and me just trying to get my needs met....by whatever means I can...not dis-regarding your needs....just needing to focus on me...so I then have something however small to offer when I can offer connection....and yes there is room for me to communicate more clearly around what is really going on for me and I am working on communicating in a clearer way...however for now this blog is a starting point...and NVC is slowly being integrated into my way of being...

A gift that came into my life this year was Non Violent Communication (NVC) and its this that has helped me get more in touch with whats 'really' alive for me when I am struggling to connect with the people I love...helping to get the root cause of my fear and then get in touch with the needs which I am not meeting which is causing me to fear the connection in the first place....it has brought peace into my life when I have sat there replaying a conversation that went totally into head and hurtful words rather than heart and loving compassion and understanding....

For those interested...the website is www.nonviolentcommunication.com

I hope in time as I learn to change my language and communication to a less violent one...the people I love will know how deeply I care, and that it won't be too late....and that the gift they bring to my life is received more in gratitude, rather than fear and challenge...for its exactly that a gift and opportunity for greater clarity....

Love and gratitude to all xxx

Living Authentically...

I recently returned from a holiday of sorts where I got together with like hearted parents who share the value of allowing their children to express all range of emotions, not just the happy ones....where its ok to sit with your child and be present with them while they cry and release the tensions and stresses that have been accumulating during their journey....rather than try and comfort them and ask them to suppress the anger, or frustration which naturally arises as a child learns and grows....as adults we have the ability to release tensions through conversations children are yet to fully understand and articulate their emotions let alone understand why they came about....so rather than teach them that anger is not ok and that feeling un-certain or frustrated is not ok behavior we say we want to hear how you are feeling...and a clear indication a child is not feeling fabulous is their lack of desire to connect with you in a present way.....don't get me wrong I am no expert on the topic I am simply sharing my experience...and its one that is growing in awareness daily.....what is at the bottom of it all though for me right now is teaching our children its ok to be AUTHENTIC no matter what they are feeling....

How many of us go about our day in an authentic way...being honest about how we are feeling....I wonder if their are others out there who do not feel safe to honestly respond to someone when they ask....how are you? I wonder if this is because of what (my experience) society has taught us, that anger, frustration and sadness are not to be openly expressed in comparison to happiness, excitment....or that as children we weren't taught to empathize, rather comfort and help the person only get back to 'feeling better'...rather than honor how they are feeling and then get to the bottom of it and understand what needs are not being met, then actually help them create a way of getting those needs met...rather than suppressing them....

Being authentic is saying yes I have needs and needs for empathy....for understanding...for deep, honest connection.....so caught up in being seen to be coping....pride gets in the way of saying...no my needs are not getting met right now and I feel....sad, angry....and I am the one who can change it yet I would really love some support to help me get clear about what those needs are....

It wasn't only the children who were encouraged to be honest...to cry if they needed to and speak candidly about how they were feeling...the adults, the parents were openly welcomed and encouraged to, and what surprised me, maybe I was naive, was that everyone had 'stuff' going on and I mean everyone...even the ones that 'externally' looked like they were happy, balanced, peaceful people....had stuff they were dealing with....and again I was reminded we are all on a journey...here to learn lessons, chosen lessons, and the gift of authentic relationships is that we can offer others, not the answers but insight which may help them find the answers they need for their journeys...for our answers are not anothers....as we are all experiencing life in different ways...due to our belief systems....conscious and not...so its not about one truth but about the truth of the now that will help us as an individual live a more authentic aligned aware life...

All around authenticity offers so much more than living in an image from our minds which is impossible to live up to and is based on others opinions...and not our own authenticity and at the end of the day authenticity is the most beautiful we can be....because...its a gift to ourselves...and to others....

Since on my journey...being more authentic with others has meant people have opened up to me so much more, my relationships with some of my friends have deepened as we have seen each other in wholeness in authenticness (if that's a word) and found it connected us more not less...

We ALL want everyone to be happy, at peace and living their lives to the fullest....I truly believe all humanity wants to live authentically...because when we do we unite, we see the beauty in others and share the beauty that we are...

I want for everyone to feel safe to be authentic...and I want my child to know that being authentic is a gift to this world and all that she is, will be welcomed with compassion, love and celebration....because there is no shame in being human in being real, living from her heart passionately sharing herself with whoever is blessed to cross her path...

So maybe next time you are asked 'how are you?' you will remember the gift of what authenticity can bring to that moment and that relationship....

Some days I disappear

Today I felt like I disappeared, well the person I know myself to be....I was lost in a sea of emotion and un-countable triggers....it was tough very tough....I wanted to scream, and be able to throw myself around in one of those padded rooms, knowing I would not be able to hurt myself in there if I threw myself to the floor....I wanted what I was feeling to be out of my body, gone for ever, however it was radiating from each and every cell and it felt like glue, holding me in this sticky cold cocoon and unable to get away from the desperate horrendous emotions.....

In between the, what seemed like forever moments...there were moments of joy somehow....the weird thing about it all was that although I was having a bad day....I saw two clients today and both sessions where really enjoyable and I felt great, clear, aligned and on purpose! How can that be! When I say clients I am a healer, channel and Medium....and what I was reminded of was my choice and my power over each and every moment....So I can choose to honor my self sabotaging beliefs and painful memories and have myself relive them like there were yesterday, crushing my love and vibrancy for life....or I can choose to accept them, however not re-live them....and honor the real truth and gift of each moment....see the light of the situation and Love myself more than I do the second before and accept the shadows I am dealing with....and then with that breath funnily enough the wind beneath that hideous emotions dies....moves on and peace and joy once again prevail....

So sometimes I think I disappear however I just go into the shadows to only come out clearer than before...

Love n blessings to all

Marakihya

The blessing of Horses....

Horses have come into my life....and I am certain there is a reason why....firstly to remind me of the power and freedom I always had within and never actually lost....although it felt that way...and secondly the place I am connecting with horses was filled with joyful and peaceful memories....helping me meet the needs of feeling a part of something bigger than me, having a place to be in this world and also doing this all in one of my favorite places, mother nature and with one of my favorite animals horses....

They have taught me to stay centered, grounded and aware of the subtle energies of life, as they themselves are sooooo in tune with the energies the people around them offer and as soon as you approach them, they are already sussing you out....they mirror you so perfectly and I therefore notice so quickly when I move from a state of calmness, to tension....

I have always appreciated the messages animals bring to my life when they turn up in a prominent way....sharing there wisdom and lessons with me....so often when one crosses my path I look up the animal totem meaning and have an aha moment yet again...so I wanted to share the one of the horse....

Pounding hooves, tossing mane,
Take me swiftly on my life's journey.
Loyal friend, carry me to a place of safety.
Lift me over the obstacles of my path.

Travel, Power, Freedom

Horses are symbols of freedom.
This totem brings new journeys.
It will teach you to ride in new directions and discover your own freedom and power.
Guide to overcoming obstacles.

The Horse is the symbol of Wind.

Horse people are usually friendly and adventurous.

If a horse has shown up in your life, you must ask yourself:
"Am I feeling constricted? Do you need to move on or allow others to move on?"

Horse will teach you how to ride into new directions to awaken
and discover your own freedom and power.

http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/horse.htm

Love n Blessings to All xxx

I have a vision....

Tonight I had my first hypnotherapy session, it was divine, in that firstly she gave me a tool to help be more present and empowered on a daily basis and then secondly helped me build and totally immerse myself in a vision of myself, that is one of freedom, wholeness, oneness, empowerment, peace and utter joy....

The first tool was called transference therapy....had not heard of it before...however made allot of sense and think I will research it some more....similar in ways to non violent communication and mindfulness....

The second is to self hypnotize myself daily to live that vision, I spoke about above....apparently it will help me live that reality when I get there, as it will feel familiar....and also from my point of view is giving me hope, as when I am there with myself, feeling how I do, seeing what I do, experiencing those states....ahhhh life is true bliss, inner peace is MINE!

I would not say she is a traditional hypnotherapist...she has a number of tools, so I would say others considering this as a tool for healing, thoroughly investigate the person first and sit with it internally to make sure it feels good....

I will add too that the vision I saw was how I always saw myself as a mother, friend, lover, partner ect....blissfully flowing through life as a centered empowered goddess...not afraid to face her challenges with conviction yet a strong sense of self and Love of the gifts the challenge will bring to life....

The journey continues....and at present feeling encouraged by my progress and the feeling the vision has left in my sub-concious mind ...

Love n Light to All xxx

Inspirational Words....

After a while
you learn the suble difference
between holding a hand
and chaining a soul,
And you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin
to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your
head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of an adult
not the grief of a child.
And you learn
to build all your roads on today...
because tomorrow's ground is too
uncertain for plans.
After a while
you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
that you really are strong,
and you really do have worth.
-Anonymous

www.innertranceformations.com.au

Connecting the bits and creating wholeness...

Something I have become acutely aware of is that a part of me has never really grown up from the age I was first abused....I learn't today that when you are traumatized as a child it stunts your growth...I had the ahhha moment....I have been wondering why I have always felt like I was a child pretending to be an adult yet it the same breath afraid to be childlike and 'have fun' 'let go' be playful....

Also how when I was trying to process the experiences of my life, how they always seemed to be processed in a highly emotional non rational way...especially when I was 'triggered' and then today I was told its normal that again trauma as a child often caused a wound in the center of the brain which helps it talk to each side, so when you receive information through the right side, it then normally gets passed to the left, this doesn't happen with me....at the moment

However through the healing process both can change, both can come back into alignment...wholeness....

I wanted to share the video I saw today....it for me explains beautifully...the struggle humanity is going through at the moment, moving from their heads to their hearts...left to right brain integration.... and for me this will become so much easier as I move through my journey....however I now have a better understanding of how I sometimes feel so separate from the world and then the next breath so connected....and I am sure in amongst this all are some coping mechanisms which come up when I am triggered which mean I process my experience in different ways and why I become to hypersensitive when I am triggered....

Blessings n Love to you all xxx

(http://www.ted.com Neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor had an opportunity few brain scientists would wish for: One morning, she realized she was having a massive stroke. As it happened -- as she felt her brain functions slip away one by one, speech, movement, understanding -- she studied and remembered every moment. This is a powerful story about how our brains define us and connect us to the world and to one another.)

Inner Child Vs Adult Self

So as I delve deeper into the reality of being a survivor of sexual abuse and what its meant for my life reality, I came to realise my inner child, was in utter turmoil...to say the least...at times it feels like she is insane, running around inside me, pulling at her hair, crying, raging, trying to get out of her body....then my adult self just sits there in utter disbelief, as with the lack of linear memories its been very difficult to 'make sense' of this on a logical level...and I am not sure I ever will....maybe just come to a space of peace with what is...

At the moment I am still very much in 'coping' stage, in that I use all the resources available to me to get through each day, I use numerous control patters, such as eating, which either means I eat nothing...to feel like I am in control or something to get the emotions pushed down asap like carbs or sugar....

Having a major passion in health and fitness this tears me up no end....I love the raw food lifestyle and live it as much as I can at the moment, however I notice as soon as I start eating very alive, life giving foods, my vibration raises and my light shines and its much harder to ignore or suppress my shadows....and I know I probably have this all backwards in that I would probably find it much easier to cope with the full on emotions if I ate more raw and less processed however, as I am still not feeling comfortable with the hectic, sometimes overwhelming emotions that are coming up at the moment, I am taking things one step at a time and know I will return to my rawful way of life in time.....

I notice my adult self judging and suppressing my inner child, like she's a naughty little girl sometimes...I have noticed my sincere lack of desire to be playful in my life unless its in a cheeky way as I don't know how just to have fun without expecting some kind of punishment for it I guess....although one thing that has always enlivened me is dancing and singing....I have noticed though that when I am cold (which is a trigger),,,or triggered in another way, I shut down, don't want to move, go anywhere or do anything, just hide away,,,,leave my body not feel all the overwhelmingness that is for me in that moment,,,and so maybe this explains why dancing helps me feel free and alive and that it is enjoyable to be in my body, and singing well I remember being silenced so of course feeling like my voice is not restricted and its safe to sing will always create the sense of freedom!

The other control patterns I use to stay disconnected are the internet...cleaning (who would I thought!) and movies....they all allow me to focus on something else, put my energy elsewhere or live through the emotions of others...because I don't want to face my own....

I no longer want to cope...I am now so acutely aware each time I am choosing to supress rather than honor and this act in it self tears me up....I want my inner child to feel safe, to be able to walk with me daily, enjoy being....enjoying living, learning, loving and giving....

However I am still not sure how to get from here, to there,,,,I know there needs to be some acceptance of what is...some healing of beliefs which hold me in the patterns of coping rather than living my real truths and less criticism of where I am at and why....

Its easy to say and I say it to my clients all the time, one step at a time, and as you take each step you will then know the next one, going with the flow, letting go...and allowing the process to unfold rather than trying to control it all...

So thats what I did and last week I met with a dear friend, who has experienced a similar journey to me....similar reactions and recovery as well...she has given me some wonderful tools to continue on my healing journey, one which I will share as its proven to be very helpful...

Each day I connect in with my inner child for 10minutes only...we meet in a safe space and I am just present with her...let her know I am here, and I also ask my (our) guardian angel to be present to watch over us both....sometimes we talk, other times she cries...more like rages in my arms...and then sometimes we just play.....we always say good bye with a cuddle and I always leave her in a safe space....

I guess I am giving myself the empathy, and loving support that I did not feel worthy of as a child, too afraid to ask for help, with the whole thing seemingly to BIG to deal with......however I have come to understand that there is a reason I am dealing with this now rather than then....and this question has brought me much anger and grief up until now....as I now understand I needed to life experience I have gained since the trauma to be able to properly process and heal from it, as at the age of 4 I did not have the understanding, the wisdom that has come with time....

Love n Blessings to all xxx

Why?

Welcome to my blog about my journey from Trauma to Inner Peace...

I am writing this blog, because when I first started reaching out for support for my healing journey, I was shocked and astonished with the lack of support their is available for people who have experienced the heinous crime of childhood sexual abuse...

Sure there are some great websites, and organisations here and there (In Australia), however, growing up and consequently healing from living with a alcoholic parent all my life....and the resources available to people on the same journey....does not even come close....

So I want to raise awareness for the need for more resources available to people, as one thing I have become acutely aware of is the number of people living with this trauma, yet not knowing where to go to get support, or seeing it as all too hard as the stigma associated with it, coupled with the lack of openly available support to do so.

I also want to share my story, as I have been so grateful to the others out there that have done the same and have helped me have the courage to continue...

I will not be using names, nor giving explicit details....I will be however, be writing from my heart in total honesty....

This experience forgotten until recently has taken the rug from under my feet,,,,thrown me into a world so unknown to me, its has scared me deeply, yet I know I have the resources within to deal with it all...and there is always divine timing in everything..

I want to acknowledge and thank from the depths of my being, all the people who are lovingly supporting me through this....without you, the ease and grace that I see it all unfolding with would not be the same...

I welcome comments, I ask that nothing is taken personally, and this is a journal of sorts of my journey, my truths and I do not state them in the context that they are everyone's, expect my own....

The Journey Begins

So the journey from trauma to inner peace has begun....having found out or remembered that I was sexually abused as a child....I am now on the journey of remembering, healing and forgiving....

The feelings of something was wrong started 3years ago when fears around intimacy begun, with unfounded reasons....after searching within for answers....and it never occurring to me that I may of been abused sexually as a child and just repressed it...relationship counselling triggered memories of being held down and used as a tool for my abuser to feel powerful.....

It was a major shock and every time I tried to access the memories, my body would shut down and I would begin to faint...

I ended up leaving it and putting it in the healing box, continued on my journey of self discovery and healing, however in hindsight, I was still very much in denial that it had actually happened to me....And unfortunately this denial meant I prolonged the true begining to my healing journey...which has now begun....

The trauma from the events finally hit home after my first counseling session where I told my story from the memories I did have which had come up in consequent healing sessions...telling my story was like opening Pandora's box....the part of my brain that had stored and repressed the trauma for 23years or so was triggered and the following weekend, I did not know myself, I was in a world of pain and rage, fear overwhelming....I got a taste of what was to come...

I had entered a world unknown to me....as growing up as a child of an alcoholic, I had become accustomed to the consequences of that experience and had learned and healed allot around it,,,however sexual abuse, trauma was a whole new kettle of fish, and I was shocked to my core, at the lack of open support there is for victims of this heinous crime...and the stigma that is attached to being a survivor of such an experience...

I have now found the support I need to deepen my understanding of the effects and consequences...the support to start healing and start dealing with how this experience has played out in my belief systems and coping strategies I use in my every day life...

It has made so much sense, in that I now understand so much more about why I was the way I was as a child and teenager...why I struggled with relationships and trusting people...ect..and each day I am learning more....

I believe we choose the experiences we have in life to help us learn and grow, this one is certainly going to teach me allot as it has the the most profound affect on my life in terms of my beliefs systems, and I look forward to breaking down the limiting ones and replacing them with truth and love filled ones...

May all who are on the journey of recovery from childhood sexual abuse be filled with the courage to face their past with love and compassion for themselves first and foremost and the abuser/s involved....we are all divine beings with the ability to heal anything and everything....I wish you all peace on your journeys...may your lives continue to shine brighter each day you come closer to yourselves and your truths.....

Love, peace, serenity...Marakiyha