This journey has shone a bright light on all of my relationships, especially the closest ones...the people who I consider family, who are family....and wow this journey as really put them to test to say the least....the closest ones have been pushed the most...my biggest mirrors....my closest relationships have asked to me to set straight the limiting beliefs I hold about myself....
This to me is the gift of relationships...the mirrors they are for us, because without them we would not experience all we are and all that we are not....and this journey as been very much about getting real about who I am....and who I am not....and coming to peace with all of it...
However I have struggled with the toll it has taken....on the people dearest to me....and you know who you are....I have been told by them that they think I don't care about them...that their health and happiness are not important to me anymore and haven't been for a long time...and boy did that cut deep....because at the end of the day the LAST thing I want them to think....because i DO care so deeply about them....and its been hard not being able to be there for them...because this journey as been so tough on them as well....and I know this...the person I was, the person I am somtimes morphs into something I don't even recognise....anger, frustration, pain take over, my inner child does everyone thing in her power to try and gain control again and feel safe...however externally this looks like me shutting out my loved ones and not caring....but please know I do...I really do...and I feel SOOO blessed that you have stuck by me on this journey....
The gratitude I hold in my heart for you can not be put into words because its so great...for the support, the trust, the love and the greater clarity you offer me about myself, which has been so helpful on this journey, even though at times more challenging than I thought I could handle...
I have struggled at times to stay connected to myself, let alone anyone close to me...and I know the connection starts with me....however at times I have chosen to float...as more 'stuff' has come up to face....processing has also been hard....as my memory has been so temporary and distorted....I find I sometimes just struggle remembering what I am wanting to achieve each day and having a simple conversation at times can even be frustrating because words elude me...memories elude me....and its embarrassing....these are not excuses....I hope in sharing my inner world you will see, people might understand...that its not about them but so totally about me and me just trying to get my needs met....by whatever means I can...not dis-regarding your needs....just needing to focus on me...so I then have something however small to offer when I can offer connection....and yes there is room for me to communicate more clearly around what is really going on for me and I am working on communicating in a clearer way...however for now this blog is a starting point...and NVC is slowly being integrated into my way of being...
A gift that came into my life this year was Non Violent Communication (NVC) and its this that has helped me get more in touch with whats 'really' alive for me when I am struggling to connect with the people I love...helping to get the root cause of my fear and then get in touch with the needs which I am not meeting which is causing me to fear the connection in the first place....it has brought peace into my life when I have sat there replaying a conversation that went totally into head and hurtful words rather than heart and loving compassion and understanding....
For those interested...the website is www.nonviolentcommunication.com
I hope in time as I learn to change my language and communication to a less violent one...the people I love will know how deeply I care, and that it won't be too late....and that the gift they bring to my life is received more in gratitude, rather than fear and challenge...for its exactly that a gift and opportunity for greater clarity....
Love and gratitude to all xxx
This to me is the gift of relationships...the mirrors they are for us, because without them we would not experience all we are and all that we are not....and this journey as been very much about getting real about who I am....and who I am not....and coming to peace with all of it...
However I have struggled with the toll it has taken....on the people dearest to me....and you know who you are....I have been told by them that they think I don't care about them...that their health and happiness are not important to me anymore and haven't been for a long time...and boy did that cut deep....because at the end of the day the LAST thing I want them to think....because i DO care so deeply about them....and its been hard not being able to be there for them...because this journey as been so tough on them as well....and I know this...the person I was, the person I am somtimes morphs into something I don't even recognise....anger, frustration, pain take over, my inner child does everyone thing in her power to try and gain control again and feel safe...however externally this looks like me shutting out my loved ones and not caring....but please know I do...I really do...and I feel SOOO blessed that you have stuck by me on this journey....
The gratitude I hold in my heart for you can not be put into words because its so great...for the support, the trust, the love and the greater clarity you offer me about myself, which has been so helpful on this journey, even though at times more challenging than I thought I could handle...
I have struggled at times to stay connected to myself, let alone anyone close to me...and I know the connection starts with me....however at times I have chosen to float...as more 'stuff' has come up to face....processing has also been hard....as my memory has been so temporary and distorted....I find I sometimes just struggle remembering what I am wanting to achieve each day and having a simple conversation at times can even be frustrating because words elude me...memories elude me....and its embarrassing....these are not excuses....I hope in sharing my inner world you will see, people might understand...that its not about them but so totally about me and me just trying to get my needs met....by whatever means I can...not dis-regarding your needs....just needing to focus on me...so I then have something however small to offer when I can offer connection....and yes there is room for me to communicate more clearly around what is really going on for me and I am working on communicating in a clearer way...however for now this blog is a starting point...and NVC is slowly being integrated into my way of being...
A gift that came into my life this year was Non Violent Communication (NVC) and its this that has helped me get more in touch with whats 'really' alive for me when I am struggling to connect with the people I love...helping to get the root cause of my fear and then get in touch with the needs which I am not meeting which is causing me to fear the connection in the first place....it has brought peace into my life when I have sat there replaying a conversation that went totally into head and hurtful words rather than heart and loving compassion and understanding....
For those interested...the website is www.nonviolentcommunication.com
I hope in time as I learn to change my language and communication to a less violent one...the people I love will know how deeply I care, and that it won't be too late....and that the gift they bring to my life is received more in gratitude, rather than fear and challenge...for its exactly that a gift and opportunity for greater clarity....
Love and gratitude to all xxx
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