So the journey from trauma to inner peace has begun....having found out or remembered that I was sexually abused as a child....I am now on the journey of remembering, healing and forgiving....
The feelings of something was wrong started 3years ago when fears around intimacy begun, with unfounded reasons....after searching within for answers....and it never occurring to me that I may of been abused sexually as a child and just repressed it...relationship counselling triggered memories of being held down and used as a tool for my abuser to feel powerful.....
It was a major shock and every time I tried to access the memories, my body would shut down and I would begin to faint...
I ended up leaving it and putting it in the healing box, continued on my journey of self discovery and healing, however in hindsight, I was still very much in denial that it had actually happened to me....And unfortunately this denial meant I prolonged the true begining to my healing journey...which has now begun....
The trauma from the events finally hit home after my first counseling session where I told my story from the memories I did have which had come up in consequent healing sessions...telling my story was like opening Pandora's box....the part of my brain that had stored and repressed the trauma for 23years or so was triggered and the following weekend, I did not know myself, I was in a world of pain and rage, fear overwhelming....I got a taste of what was to come...
I had entered a world unknown to me....as growing up as a child of an alcoholic, I had become accustomed to the consequences of that experience and had learned and healed allot around it,,,however sexual abuse, trauma was a whole new kettle of fish, and I was shocked to my core, at the lack of open support there is for victims of this heinous crime...and the stigma that is attached to being a survivor of such an experience...
I have now found the support I need to deepen my understanding of the effects and consequences...the support to start healing and start dealing with how this experience has played out in my belief systems and coping strategies I use in my every day life...
It has made so much sense, in that I now understand so much more about why I was the way I was as a child and teenager...why I struggled with relationships and trusting people...ect..and each day I am learning more....
I believe we choose the experiences we have in life to help us learn and grow, this one is certainly going to teach me allot as it has the the most profound affect on my life in terms of my beliefs systems, and I look forward to breaking down the limiting ones and replacing them with truth and love filled ones...
May all who are on the journey of recovery from childhood sexual abuse be filled with the courage to face their past with love and compassion for themselves first and foremost and the abuser/s involved....we are all divine beings with the ability to heal anything and everything....I wish you all peace on your journeys...may your lives continue to shine brighter each day you come closer to yourselves and your truths.....
Love, peace, serenity...Marakiyha
The feelings of something was wrong started 3years ago when fears around intimacy begun, with unfounded reasons....after searching within for answers....and it never occurring to me that I may of been abused sexually as a child and just repressed it...relationship counselling triggered memories of being held down and used as a tool for my abuser to feel powerful.....
It was a major shock and every time I tried to access the memories, my body would shut down and I would begin to faint...
I ended up leaving it and putting it in the healing box, continued on my journey of self discovery and healing, however in hindsight, I was still very much in denial that it had actually happened to me....And unfortunately this denial meant I prolonged the true begining to my healing journey...which has now begun....
The trauma from the events finally hit home after my first counseling session where I told my story from the memories I did have which had come up in consequent healing sessions...telling my story was like opening Pandora's box....the part of my brain that had stored and repressed the trauma for 23years or so was triggered and the following weekend, I did not know myself, I was in a world of pain and rage, fear overwhelming....I got a taste of what was to come...
I had entered a world unknown to me....as growing up as a child of an alcoholic, I had become accustomed to the consequences of that experience and had learned and healed allot around it,,,however sexual abuse, trauma was a whole new kettle of fish, and I was shocked to my core, at the lack of open support there is for victims of this heinous crime...and the stigma that is attached to being a survivor of such an experience...
I have now found the support I need to deepen my understanding of the effects and consequences...the support to start healing and start dealing with how this experience has played out in my belief systems and coping strategies I use in my every day life...
It has made so much sense, in that I now understand so much more about why I was the way I was as a child and teenager...why I struggled with relationships and trusting people...ect..and each day I am learning more....
I believe we choose the experiences we have in life to help us learn and grow, this one is certainly going to teach me allot as it has the the most profound affect on my life in terms of my beliefs systems, and I look forward to breaking down the limiting ones and replacing them with truth and love filled ones...
May all who are on the journey of recovery from childhood sexual abuse be filled with the courage to face their past with love and compassion for themselves first and foremost and the abuser/s involved....we are all divine beings with the ability to heal anything and everything....I wish you all peace on your journeys...may your lives continue to shine brighter each day you come closer to yourselves and your truths.....
Love, peace, serenity...Marakiyha
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