Connection - To Connect or Not to Connect

I recently experienced a 'field center facilitation' with a dear friend....and it came into my conscious awareness why authentic connection with another human being was so difficult for me and well downright scary!

When we delve into our ourselves for the answers to our questions....why is there xxx in my life? we often come across our belief systems which in the past were created to serve us and get our needs met, however through our life experiences we have realized that the belief system we once held is no longer serving and getting our needs met. It then comes up to be transformed into one which will meet our needs once again and come into greater alignment with who you are wanting to be today and what you are wanting to experience...

Now back to the beginning...Connection has become a topic of conversation in my life which has been heightened since having my daughter, as she has asked me to connect with her on a daily basis since she was born and it wasn't until I had her that I realised how anti I was about connecting with people full stop!

I noticed as I started to delve deeper into how the abuse in my childhood had affected my current reality a whole truck load of anger came up...I had experienced stages in my life before where I had been angry but nothing like this....at the time it felt like it took over me, every cell in my body...and whenever I was triggered it would come flying out of the cupboard like there was no tomorrow, literally!

Obviously the anger that would come up created more separation in my dearest relationships, as I was scared of it, let alone people closest to me...the anger manifested in behavior that was downright horrible, yelling, screaming, shouting and slamming whatever I could get my hands on...I never physically hurt anyone, however I know on some level it was emotional abuse, and for this I am truly sorry....

I would often try and sit with it after the moment had passed and see where it was coming from....a myriad of reasons would come up, however I could never really pinpoint one...or a belief around it which gave it reason to be....also because of how I felt when I had submerged myself in it...allowing it to take over...I then became scared to really address why it had come about in the first place...

So this lead to me avoiding authentic connection with everyone, I knew I was not properly connecting, however I have lived that way for so long...I just used the excuse that I was dealing with 'big stuff' at the moment, so it was best people weren't close to me anyways....especially people closest to me, because I was scared I would get triggered and when I was triggered I found it hardest to keep in control of the anger....

Well this of course was not serving me, as it lead to the creation on loneliness, and that is not fun to live with...it was not serving my need for connection in any way....yet I felt safe and this confused me..

So finally in the field center facilitation I realised the belief which held me in my loneliness cycle...which is....connection = obliteration of myself...I will no longer exist, I will merge into the other person, dissolving, and then comes whats the point of living??? its one painful belief system...however I created to keep myself 'safe'....as one of the first major intimate relationships in my life was tainted, the abuse experience meant I decided that connection was not safe, I was not 'seen' when I connected with people and therefore its 'safest' not to connect!

Now of course this is distorted, however at the time I did not have the life experience, and did not feel safe to talk with anyone about it...to make sense of it...so since that moment on, I have purposely not connected with people, hiding behind who I thought they wanted me to be...not expressing who I was, because it was not safe....and I have always wondered why the friends I cared about the most, often if not always seemed to travel, live in another country or moved into state....it meant I did not have to connect on a deep level....they were not around, asking me to....and I know its been a frustration for my family when I have been overseas not connecting often...however for me it was convenient...not that I did not care, for I did and do deeply, just my belief meant this was was best...my existence was more important, I wanted to feel like I had a reason to live and not believe what I felt in those moments when I was abuse...that I was not worthy to be seen, heard or even felt....

So the belief system I do want to hold now is that connection = fun, joy, easy, supportive, however when I was asked if I wanted to now choose this it was like someone was asking me to commit suicide....and there was NO WAY I was going to do it....

I sat with this complete rejection and asked why it was that choosing a reality that would mean my needs where met, so so horribly terrifying and wrong for me...and what came was all to do with the anger...

Anger is not accepted in society as an emotion that is ok to express in any way shape or form...and whenever I expressed anger it hurt people, it was rejected and I chose to feel rejected, however as a little girl experiencing sexual abuse...I was angry beyond words....and my inner child is...and to me by accepting the new belief was saying the anger was not ok...however I had every right to be angry as my need for safety and protection was not met....for understanding and autonomy....and I needed someone to sit with me and let me be angry and rage and just feel...what I had suppressed for 25years or so.....to me that is letting myself grieve for my inner child that was overshadowed by this experience until now...for the lost connection....I do not regret my past for it has shaped who I am choosing to be today...and the awareness this experience has brought me is a gift...

I would often sit with myself wanting to cry...however this anger would over shadow my need to cry...I wanted someone to sit with me while I could allow the anger to flow...the rage to flow...and once that was gone the tears could finally follow....

So I am sure more will be revealed when I have moved through the above...and authentic connection prevails in my life...wow day dreaming about that reality...its a joyful, love filled reality....TBC...

If you would like more information about field center facilitation which I highly recommend, please go here... http://www.parentingwithpresence.net/index.php?pageid=1712

With Love Marakiyha

The gift of relationships...

This journey has shone a bright light on all of my relationships, especially the closest ones...the people who I consider family, who are family....and wow this journey as really put them to test to say the least....the closest ones have been pushed the most...my biggest mirrors....my closest relationships have asked to me to set straight the limiting beliefs I hold about myself....

This to me is the gift of relationships...the mirrors they are for us, because without them we would not experience all we are and all that we are not....and this journey as been very much about getting real about who I am....and who I am not....and coming to peace with all of it...

However I have struggled with the toll it has taken....on the people dearest to me....and you know who you are....I have been told by them that they think I don't care about them...that their health and happiness are not important to me anymore and haven't been for a long time...and boy did that cut deep....because at the end of the day the LAST thing I want them to think....because i DO care so deeply about them....and its been hard not being able to be there for them...because this journey as been so tough on them as well....and I know this...the person I was, the person I am somtimes morphs into something I don't even recognise....anger, frustration, pain take over, my inner child does everyone thing in her power to try and gain control again and feel safe...however externally this looks like me shutting out my loved ones and not caring....but please know I do...I really do...and I feel SOOO blessed that you have stuck by me on this journey....

The gratitude I hold in my heart for you can not be put into words because its so great...for the support, the trust, the love and the greater clarity you offer me about myself, which has been so helpful on this journey, even though at times more challenging than I thought I could handle...

I have struggled at times to stay connected to myself, let alone anyone close to me...and I know the connection starts with me....however at times I have chosen to float...as more 'stuff' has come up to face....processing has also been hard....as my memory has been so temporary and distorted....I find I sometimes just struggle remembering what I am wanting to achieve each day and having a simple conversation at times can even be frustrating because words elude me...memories elude me....and its embarrassing....these are not excuses....I hope in sharing my inner world you will see, people might understand...that its not about them but so totally about me and me just trying to get my needs met....by whatever means I can...not dis-regarding your needs....just needing to focus on me...so I then have something however small to offer when I can offer connection....and yes there is room for me to communicate more clearly around what is really going on for me and I am working on communicating in a clearer way...however for now this blog is a starting point...and NVC is slowly being integrated into my way of being...

A gift that came into my life this year was Non Violent Communication (NVC) and its this that has helped me get more in touch with whats 'really' alive for me when I am struggling to connect with the people I love...helping to get the root cause of my fear and then get in touch with the needs which I am not meeting which is causing me to fear the connection in the first place....it has brought peace into my life when I have sat there replaying a conversation that went totally into head and hurtful words rather than heart and loving compassion and understanding....

For those interested...the website is www.nonviolentcommunication.com

I hope in time as I learn to change my language and communication to a less violent one...the people I love will know how deeply I care, and that it won't be too late....and that the gift they bring to my life is received more in gratitude, rather than fear and challenge...for its exactly that a gift and opportunity for greater clarity....

Love and gratitude to all xxx

Living Authentically...

I recently returned from a holiday of sorts where I got together with like hearted parents who share the value of allowing their children to express all range of emotions, not just the happy ones....where its ok to sit with your child and be present with them while they cry and release the tensions and stresses that have been accumulating during their journey....rather than try and comfort them and ask them to suppress the anger, or frustration which naturally arises as a child learns and grows....as adults we have the ability to release tensions through conversations children are yet to fully understand and articulate their emotions let alone understand why they came about....so rather than teach them that anger is not ok and that feeling un-certain or frustrated is not ok behavior we say we want to hear how you are feeling...and a clear indication a child is not feeling fabulous is their lack of desire to connect with you in a present way.....don't get me wrong I am no expert on the topic I am simply sharing my experience...and its one that is growing in awareness daily.....what is at the bottom of it all though for me right now is teaching our children its ok to be AUTHENTIC no matter what they are feeling....

How many of us go about our day in an authentic way...being honest about how we are feeling....I wonder if their are others out there who do not feel safe to honestly respond to someone when they ask....how are you? I wonder if this is because of what (my experience) society has taught us, that anger, frustration and sadness are not to be openly expressed in comparison to happiness, excitment....or that as children we weren't taught to empathize, rather comfort and help the person only get back to 'feeling better'...rather than honor how they are feeling and then get to the bottom of it and understand what needs are not being met, then actually help them create a way of getting those needs met...rather than suppressing them....

Being authentic is saying yes I have needs and needs for empathy....for understanding...for deep, honest connection.....so caught up in being seen to be coping....pride gets in the way of saying...no my needs are not getting met right now and I feel....sad, angry....and I am the one who can change it yet I would really love some support to help me get clear about what those needs are....

It wasn't only the children who were encouraged to be honest...to cry if they needed to and speak candidly about how they were feeling...the adults, the parents were openly welcomed and encouraged to, and what surprised me, maybe I was naive, was that everyone had 'stuff' going on and I mean everyone...even the ones that 'externally' looked like they were happy, balanced, peaceful people....had stuff they were dealing with....and again I was reminded we are all on a journey...here to learn lessons, chosen lessons, and the gift of authentic relationships is that we can offer others, not the answers but insight which may help them find the answers they need for their journeys...for our answers are not anothers....as we are all experiencing life in different ways...due to our belief systems....conscious and not...so its not about one truth but about the truth of the now that will help us as an individual live a more authentic aligned aware life...

All around authenticity offers so much more than living in an image from our minds which is impossible to live up to and is based on others opinions...and not our own authenticity and at the end of the day authenticity is the most beautiful we can be....because...its a gift to ourselves...and to others....

Since on my journey...being more authentic with others has meant people have opened up to me so much more, my relationships with some of my friends have deepened as we have seen each other in wholeness in authenticness (if that's a word) and found it connected us more not less...

We ALL want everyone to be happy, at peace and living their lives to the fullest....I truly believe all humanity wants to live authentically...because when we do we unite, we see the beauty in others and share the beauty that we are...

I want for everyone to feel safe to be authentic...and I want my child to know that being authentic is a gift to this world and all that she is, will be welcomed with compassion, love and celebration....because there is no shame in being human in being real, living from her heart passionately sharing herself with whoever is blessed to cross her path...

So maybe next time you are asked 'how are you?' you will remember the gift of what authenticity can bring to that moment and that relationship....

Some days I disappear

Today I felt like I disappeared, well the person I know myself to be....I was lost in a sea of emotion and un-countable triggers....it was tough very tough....I wanted to scream, and be able to throw myself around in one of those padded rooms, knowing I would not be able to hurt myself in there if I threw myself to the floor....I wanted what I was feeling to be out of my body, gone for ever, however it was radiating from each and every cell and it felt like glue, holding me in this sticky cold cocoon and unable to get away from the desperate horrendous emotions.....

In between the, what seemed like forever moments...there were moments of joy somehow....the weird thing about it all was that although I was having a bad day....I saw two clients today and both sessions where really enjoyable and I felt great, clear, aligned and on purpose! How can that be! When I say clients I am a healer, channel and Medium....and what I was reminded of was my choice and my power over each and every moment....So I can choose to honor my self sabotaging beliefs and painful memories and have myself relive them like there were yesterday, crushing my love and vibrancy for life....or I can choose to accept them, however not re-live them....and honor the real truth and gift of each moment....see the light of the situation and Love myself more than I do the second before and accept the shadows I am dealing with....and then with that breath funnily enough the wind beneath that hideous emotions dies....moves on and peace and joy once again prevail....

So sometimes I think I disappear however I just go into the shadows to only come out clearer than before...

Love n blessings to all

Marakihya

The blessing of Horses....

Horses have come into my life....and I am certain there is a reason why....firstly to remind me of the power and freedom I always had within and never actually lost....although it felt that way...and secondly the place I am connecting with horses was filled with joyful and peaceful memories....helping me meet the needs of feeling a part of something bigger than me, having a place to be in this world and also doing this all in one of my favorite places, mother nature and with one of my favorite animals horses....

They have taught me to stay centered, grounded and aware of the subtle energies of life, as they themselves are sooooo in tune with the energies the people around them offer and as soon as you approach them, they are already sussing you out....they mirror you so perfectly and I therefore notice so quickly when I move from a state of calmness, to tension....

I have always appreciated the messages animals bring to my life when they turn up in a prominent way....sharing there wisdom and lessons with me....so often when one crosses my path I look up the animal totem meaning and have an aha moment yet again...so I wanted to share the one of the horse....

Pounding hooves, tossing mane,
Take me swiftly on my life's journey.
Loyal friend, carry me to a place of safety.
Lift me over the obstacles of my path.

Travel, Power, Freedom

Horses are symbols of freedom.
This totem brings new journeys.
It will teach you to ride in new directions and discover your own freedom and power.
Guide to overcoming obstacles.

The Horse is the symbol of Wind.

Horse people are usually friendly and adventurous.

If a horse has shown up in your life, you must ask yourself:
"Am I feeling constricted? Do you need to move on or allow others to move on?"

Horse will teach you how to ride into new directions to awaken
and discover your own freedom and power.

http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/horse.htm

Love n Blessings to All xxx

I have a vision....

Tonight I had my first hypnotherapy session, it was divine, in that firstly she gave me a tool to help be more present and empowered on a daily basis and then secondly helped me build and totally immerse myself in a vision of myself, that is one of freedom, wholeness, oneness, empowerment, peace and utter joy....

The first tool was called transference therapy....had not heard of it before...however made allot of sense and think I will research it some more....similar in ways to non violent communication and mindfulness....

The second is to self hypnotize myself daily to live that vision, I spoke about above....apparently it will help me live that reality when I get there, as it will feel familiar....and also from my point of view is giving me hope, as when I am there with myself, feeling how I do, seeing what I do, experiencing those states....ahhhh life is true bliss, inner peace is MINE!

I would not say she is a traditional hypnotherapist...she has a number of tools, so I would say others considering this as a tool for healing, thoroughly investigate the person first and sit with it internally to make sure it feels good....

I will add too that the vision I saw was how I always saw myself as a mother, friend, lover, partner ect....blissfully flowing through life as a centered empowered goddess...not afraid to face her challenges with conviction yet a strong sense of self and Love of the gifts the challenge will bring to life....

The journey continues....and at present feeling encouraged by my progress and the feeling the vision has left in my sub-concious mind ...

Love n Light to All xxx