Its been ages since I posted, allot has changed, shifted, transformed, and my past each day is becoming more that, however at the same time the intensity of what my body is remembering from my past has been intensifying by a thousand fold....as I recently experienced something for the first time this life time, out of choice rather than force.
Surrender, ah that word conjures up so many emotions and memories as I sit with it. I have been the master of holding on, of not surrendering, and control, and of making excuses as to why it wasn't safe to surrender and why?
I finally found out why when I was met by and incredibly beautiful man, that sat with me, connected with me, and saw all of me without running from the pain, anger, fear, rage that he saw in my heart....and it was the first time I had experienced such presence and willingness from a man to connect with me deeply, as this is sooo not common place in society, and I too never felt safe to do this...I was clearly ready and longed to be seen! What woman doesn't!
So the trust was built and I opened up, I was asked to surrender and I was the one that set the boundaries, and I am sure those of you that have been abused know how divine it is to feel its ok to say no and be the one to set the boundaries....ahhh.....
So as he stepped forward I was totally aware of my body, my being and its desire to surrender, to the soft loving being I am the divine goddess that I embody...to be met by a man fully seeing me, all of me, not afraid by what he saw....all of me...the light and shadow...and as he did layers of protection started to fall as I felt his presence, his respect, and by the time he was standing right before me, I was totally open, totally surrendered, and totally vulnerable....it was the most exquisite feeling ever....and it only lasted a few minutes, and then the pain hit like a thunder bolt direct from the sky right to the core of my being....I started to cry....and at the time had no idea why, however understanding was to follow.
I have noticed since the experience, how armoured I am, how I am closed down, and my feminine really doesn't feel safe to let herself shine, be the love that she is... I notice this through the way I walk, talk, eat, laugh, simply communicate, where I am at in my body and the presence and love I bring it each moment is generally always hidden behind my armour....and I don't feel this is my truth, as its only their out of fear of being abused, not seen, and being vulnerable and abandoned.
Because my experience of surrender, as a child, was one of force, and it not responded to a whole lot more pain than already being felt, by my boundaries not being respected and me not being see.
What I also understood afterwards was the first time I surrendered sexually, although the above was not sexual in any way... I was forced...and this time I wasn't. So I had finally experienced what I longed for in those moments when being abused. I experienced, respect, love and I was SEEN. So the beautiful gift of this experience was that it was deeply triggering and the pain I felt from being forced to surrender to men repeatedly came flooding back into my body...and it was crippling to say the least....
The next day I shut down, in total emotional overwhelm, and eventually I felt safe enough to let go and surrender to the pain and let it flow and the tears certainly flowed....and the deep pain rose up and lifted, over and over again like a big stormy sea....and my body was simply some drift wood amongst it riding the waves....with no direction but letting go...I felt a massive relief afterwards but at the time I certainly did not want to be in my body!
Since then daily, my body has released memories, the most random things triggering me, which at times is very unsettling, as before this experience the triggering had really settled down and I was getting into a comfortable flow. However going so deep so quick meant the layers...before the core, also needed clearing, so thats where I am at now.
I am truly grateful for the experience, in that its help me get in touch with emotions so tightly held in my cells I clearly felt on some level need a big push to come out. I now feel so much safer to surrender to painful feelings as they come up, and to stay in my feminine more, as it was a truly empowering feeling, to be the one to set the boundaries. It has also helped me understand the importance, of allowing myself to create story around my memories so that the new neural pathways are formed and peace prevails when I am next triggered. However I have also learnt some valuable lessons from it as well.
Not someone to do things in halves, I understand the desire for people to heal their abuse story as quickly as possible, because mine came up out of the blue 18 or so years after it happened...it was like pandora's box was opened and it hit my life like a massive tornado! So sitting with the aftermath of the tornado, I pushed hard to get it cleaned up asap....
However after this experience I have come to realise, pushing my body so hard, although has meant I have shifted allot quickly my physical body has been melting in the process, normally one to love exercise and adventure, every time I attempt any I am getting sick, my adrenals are done, from being used excessively daily just to get through and therefore my immunity shot!
So I would say to others, wanting it OVER AND DONE WITH remember its a journey, and its allot more enjoyable if you have the energy to have fun in between the moments of memories being re-written...and going to hard and fast will mean in those moments when you could be out having fun, you are stuck in bed...recovering...and it aint fun! Allowing the process to unfold in alignment with your physical body is allot more enjoyable...and it means those memories are just part of your journey right now, not all of it ;)
Thank you to my friend who helped me heal, and all those that support me on my journey, your love, respect and support is lovingly appreciated....
With Love Marakihya xxx
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