Authenticity...

Creating my own reality....

Accepting wholeness - my whole self.

My shadow offers gifts of greater clarity.

When I live in wholeness, accepting what is

I create the reality I want to live.

My heart guiding the way and

My shadows fading away.

My hope for living authentically

Becomes my Reality....

Love Marakihya

Sometimes I disappear...

Sometimes I feel that I disappear,

Really though, I am just

Stepping into my shadows....

Only to return clearer and

More aware of my wholeness

And who I am....Love xxx

See yourself in the light....

Ah this song spoke to my soul, and the line regarding the dark (my abuse memories), and how to scare away the vampires trying to drink my blood, he says to lead them to the light.

In essence thats what I do with my memories from my abuse, because they are gifts, they help me see the illusions I have created about myself and the world I live in. At the same time, they have some how kept me safe...maybe not living from a space of love however non the less, a gift as seeing them means I see the light in me...see the truth...so each day I am being faced with more dark, and thats ok because without it I would not see the light.

So I share this song, as a little reminder, that the beautiful people reading this, on your dark days whatever that means to you, just remember to lead them to the light...

Much Love Marakihya

Surrender out of choice, the memories...and the lesson of allowing..

Its been ages since I posted, allot has changed, shifted, transformed, and my past each day is becoming more that, however at the same time the intensity of what my body is remembering from my past has been intensifying by a thousand fold....as I recently experienced something for the first time this life time, out of choice rather than force.

Surrender, ah that word conjures up so many emotions and memories as I sit with it. I have been the master of holding on, of not surrendering, and control, and of making excuses as to why it wasn't safe to surrender and why?

I finally found out why when I was met by and incredibly beautiful man, that sat with me, connected with me, and saw all of me without running from the pain, anger, fear, rage that he saw in my heart....and it was the first time I had experienced such presence and willingness from a man to connect with me deeply, as this is sooo not common place in society, and I too never felt safe to do this...I was clearly ready and longed to be seen! What woman doesn't!

So the trust was built and I opened up, I was asked to surrender and I was the one that set the boundaries, and I am sure those of you that have been abused know how divine it is to feel its ok to say no and be the one to set the boundaries....ahhh.....

So as he stepped forward I was totally aware of my body, my being and its desire to surrender, to the soft loving being I am the divine goddess that I embody...to be met by a man fully seeing me, all of me, not afraid by what he saw....all of me...the light and shadow...and as he did layers of protection started to fall as I felt his presence, his respect, and by the time he was standing right before me, I was totally open, totally surrendered, and totally vulnerable....it was the most exquisite feeling ever....and it only lasted a few minutes, and then the pain hit like a thunder bolt direct from the sky right to the core of my being....I started to cry....and at the time had no idea why, however understanding was to follow.

I have noticed since the experience, how armoured I am, how I am closed down, and my feminine really doesn't feel safe to let herself shine, be the love that she is... I notice this through the way I walk, talk, eat, laugh, simply communicate, where I am at in my body and the presence and love I bring it each moment is generally always hidden behind my armour....and I don't feel this is my truth, as its only their out of fear of being abused, not seen, and being vulnerable and abandoned.

Because my experience of surrender, as a child, was one of force, and it not responded to a whole lot more pain than already being felt, by my boundaries not being respected and me not being see.

What I also understood afterwards was the first time I surrendered sexually, although the above was not sexual in any way... I was forced...and this time I wasn't. So I had finally experienced what I longed for in those moments when being abused. I experienced, respect, love and I was SEEN. So the beautiful gift of this experience was that it was deeply triggering and the pain I felt from being forced to surrender to men repeatedly came flooding back into my body...and it was crippling to say the least....

The next day I shut down, in total emotional overwhelm, and eventually I felt safe enough to let go and surrender to the pain and let it flow and the tears certainly flowed....and the deep pain rose up and lifted, over and over again like a big stormy sea....and my body was simply some drift wood amongst it riding the waves....with no direction but letting go...I felt a massive relief afterwards but at the time I certainly did not want to be in my body!

Since then daily, my body has released memories, the most random things triggering me, which at times is very unsettling, as before this experience the triggering had really settled down and I was getting into a comfortable flow. However going so deep so quick meant the layers...before the core, also needed clearing, so thats where I am at now.

I am truly grateful for the experience, in that its help me get in touch with emotions so tightly held in my cells I clearly felt on some level need a big push to come out. I now feel so much safer to surrender to painful feelings as they come up, and to stay in my feminine more, as it was a truly empowering feeling, to be the one to set the boundaries. It has also helped me understand the importance, of allowing myself to create story around my memories so that the new neural pathways are formed and peace prevails when I am next triggered. However I have also learnt some valuable lessons from it as well.

Not someone to do things in halves, I understand the desire for people to heal their abuse story as quickly as possible, because mine came up out of the blue 18 or so years after it happened...it was like pandora's box was opened and it hit my life like a massive tornado! So sitting with the aftermath of the tornado, I pushed hard to get it cleaned up asap....

However after this experience I have come to realise, pushing my body so hard, although has meant I have shifted allot quickly my physical body has been melting in the process, normally one to love exercise and adventure, every time I attempt any I am getting sick, my adrenals are done, from being used excessively daily just to get through and therefore my immunity shot!

So I would say to others, wanting it OVER AND DONE WITH remember its a journey, and its allot more enjoyable if you have the energy to have fun in between the moments of memories being re-written...and going to hard and fast will mean in those moments when you could be out having fun, you are stuck in bed...recovering...and it aint fun! Allowing the process to unfold in alignment with your physical body is allot more enjoyable...and it means those memories are just part of your journey right now, not all of it ;)

Thank you to my friend who helped me heal, and all those that support me on my journey, your love, respect and support is lovingly appreciated....

With Love Marakihya xxx

Bikram Yoga - A blessing in disguise!

Bikram yoga came into my life a while back now, I use to practice it in London, which was such a blessing to feel hot and sweaty when the majority of the time I was either cold or luke warm!

However since returning to Australia and getting back into it a whole new level or expansion and transformation has unfolded in my classes and I am writing about it here, because anyone on a journey of greater self discovery and deep healing from trauma, I feel would benefit from regular practice, one caviet,,,only if you are up for a challenge...

Maybe the major shift has come about because back in London I had no awareness of what I had experienced as a child and I was not consciously shifting and healing the wounding and beliefs and finally allowing the emotions from that period of my life to flow...as it was I was simply living in the reality of no awareness..

Now though my classes have really become ME TIME...processing time, relaxing time, challenging time and most of all a great place for me to stay present grounded and connected...which has been my key to being able to live my life on a daily basis without feeling totally overwhelmed by all the memories and emotions I am now experiencing without much control of when they crop up!

Just realised I have not explained for those of you who don't know the style of yoga, why its so hard and yet so beautiful...the room is heated to around 37' and then about 90% humidity...there are 26 postures in total half standing and half based from the floor...there are reasons for all of this and if you want to learn more about it google 'bikram yoga'.

However what this means for me...and my journey...is a place I can stretch, and allow the memories to flow out of me in a warm supported environment. Throughout my healing journey my physical body has played a vital role in that...I feel it in my body allot. As a new wave of memories come up to be healed I feel intense emotions lifting of me during my classes and also during my meditations. Sometimes I am drawn to cry in class and find it hard to stay still. As movement helps suppress emotions, however I persist as I know that if I do stay still and let go it gets intense and then lifts, and then I become lighter, and that feels yumi.

Some classes are harder than others, most generally I can say that if I am feeling emotionally tense then class is going to make me face it...because as I twist and constrict muscles, joints and tendons ect...nothing can hide that is ready to move on....everything movement is balance...my heart is opened massively and on both sides...there is no place to hide. Where as on a day to day basis i will often find myself holding my body in certain ways to protect myself or whats actually underneath...the emotion...and in class I can't.

During class too its common for people to feel light headed and fainting can happen, as well as feeling nauseous. As you can imagine the heat coupled with humidity and exercise and then releasing all the toxins from the organs and tissues not surprising this happens. Before in London this was not a major challenge for me, however now has become a big one...as fainting was a coping mechanism for me, and with trauma you heart rate often increases massively very quickly which is simulated in class. So every time I felt I was going to faint or my heart rate rose quickly I would loose it, have to sit down and not be able to push through, as I knew I wasn't at the stage I was going to faint but the feeling meant the memory and fear snapped in and exaggerated the whole experience. So to counteract this I decided to speak to my teachers as I was getting highly frustrated like my abuser was in the room stopping me from doing what I love. I asked them if they would be willing to be my safe person, if I were to faint, agreeing to keep me safe if I did faint. As knowing if I did faint it would be in a room full of strangers made it even worse, but if I knew there was someone watching out for me, then I could push myself that little bit harder, and not feel like my abuser was winning.

Its worked and now I am able to often push through moments of light headedness or nausea and high heart rate and re-ground myself, let go and flow!

My new experience which I am still learning to deal with is at random times of rest during the class, my whole body shudders or flinches like its just been electrocuted...it feels odd and then in that moment, the only way to explain it is , I feel traumatized and want to ball my eyes out. I use my grounding technique to bring myself back to the present and sometimes let a few tears out...and then later when meditating set the intention to go into whatever was asking to come out during my class..not holding onto the outcome.

Occasionally my teachers have made quiet comments to me that I am safe...and it helps bring me back to the now...another affirming my existence here. I always talk to them after class...and it always in my struggling classes that they comment on my determination and how my energy feels very strong to them. I enjoy getting this acknowledge...as I feel more understood...as its not been easy facing my trauma in a class however for me has been an empowering experience, that to know that even when I have triggered it won't take over my life unless I let it...and when I ask I can get the support I need to LIVE the life I want to.

I am not the only one who struggles in class too and others also cry, and we support each other by staying standing when we want to sit down and not face up or stand up when we are feeling overwhelmed. It may sound like I am not honoring how I am feeling, although I am standing and facing it, its in that, which is also where I am letting go and allowing myself to be and if when I am in a posture an intense rage comes over me...I greet it and then it continue on its journey out of me. Its tough, but I love the challenge, its empowering to feel the scariest of emotions and still be able to live for me.

Every single class is different and every single teacher brings a greater gift of awareness to me, and for this I am truly grateful.

Namaste Bikram. and the teachers who guide me.

Love to all Marakihya

Living...possible with PTS....yes....Transcendental Meditation

WOW....I love how the universe provides just what you need when you request support....I have meditated on and off for years and years and never found one that really hits the spot for me UNTIL NOW...

Transcendental meditation.....came into my awareness last year and has PROFOUNDLY changed my life for FOREVER MORE....and the biggest gift is the major symptoms I was experiencing at an increasing rate have now dissipated dramatically!!

The reason is because I was constantly increasing the stressed stored in my body and the sleep I was getting which is designed to help you process your wakeful times and de-stress the body was not enough....I was increasing more than I was decreasing basically....and I struggled to stay centered, grounded and the coping strategies were just that and I no longer wanted to cope! I wanted to live again....

I was 'taught' by Gary Garrow...a divine human being blessing this world with his presence and gift of wisdom a trillion times over....Thank you Gary ;)

His website if it resonates to look into it more.... http://www.garygorrow.com/

So why's this so amazing for me....each time I meditate I take my body into a deeper (about 4 times deeper than sleep) state of relaxation....and when your body is in that state it naturally starts to let off stress...so I am reducing my stress levels massively.....twice a day for 20mins its soooo easy...

So I am able to stay more grounded and centered and my need for coping has gone...as I am less triggered as I am more grounded and able to think and stay centered!

So easy, so profound.....I no longer cope....and I am still processing my memories....however as new ones come up....they no longer pull the rug from underneath me...yeh!! I feel more in control and safe....

There are so many tools out there to help on the healing journey of trauma, for me this by far has been the most effective, profound and transformational...

Check it out if it resonates...

Much Love Marakihya

Sometimes the unknown is scary beyond measure and then you realise thats life...we are always stepping into the unknown...

The last month has been intense the say the least, with many unknowns about my future and as I am aware that one of my coping mechanisms is control its been even tougher...

However the last week the unknown has taken on a whole new level of scariness to say the least...I am not sure why and I am still learning about the effects of trauma and the recovery, however my body seems to be remember the trauma...and I keep getting triggered by so many things and with it comes a bodily and emotional memory...it is so random and I can't even seem to pinpoint the triggers...and its so subtle in how it comes about...however when it hits wohee...it hurts...and normally with pain there is s story...a logical story to go with it...however due to my amnesia I don't have a very clear story....so I just feel horrible....rage, angry, fear, sadness, suppression ect and my body is tense and tired and sore....energy pulsing through me feels all stuck...and then I get these dark flashbacks....images that are cloudy....its just horrendous!

One of the hardest challenges I am facing right now is being a mother and healing this, dealing with these moments when I have a very young daughter...who through of course no fault of her own is triggering me also...she is around the age where I first believe I was abused and I have been told this too can be a trigger as they reach the ages where we were traumatized as children...

All I am wanting, needing is to feel safe and free to laugh and play and enjoy this divine age she is at...however days I find myself struggling just to even connect, and this must be soooo painful for her....as it is for me....

We have also spent allot of 1:1 time with each other over this past week...and I have loved hanging out with her...enjoying our new home and the divine area we are living in, being so close to the beach and the lake has been such a blessing, water has always been so cleansing for me, I am very grateful...

I have found myself craving things which help me tune out, as I can't seem to escape the pain and not even sure if its helpful for me to allow it just to flow and rage like I feel my body wants too...there have been many tears, however not soothing as they use to be....

I have also noticed I have gone back to my old ways of not being grounded, constantly catching myself out with things that remind me if I am actually here or not!

I felt I was finally stepping forward in this healing journey...however maybe the stress of the move and the events of the past month have just all been allot and this might not of been so hard if the previous month had been more peaceful...who knows...and I guess it doesn't matter anyways...as all I have is the now....

Writing has been a saving grace for me...getting out of my head and helping me ground back into my body, it meets my needs for understanding, for as I write I see the picture, I see the sense of it all...and are then able to step back into the flow and journey I am on, knowing all is perfect and divine...and the unknown is all we have and its the gift in that it leaves for space for creating a new...

Love to all

Marakiyha