Holding onto....fear....letting go....

I am love, I know this to be true, however the fear from the past comes in to my present moment...boom...my body in utter shock and meltdown....then as it passes love returns and I trust in myself again.....its not about forgetting its about acknowledging, and letting go and remembering the truth....I am loved and nothing but me stops me from feeling love from others...

Love Marakihya

Thank you Mother Earth for your Guidance....

The seasons of transformation...

As I ground within myself. I come to notice the seasons of my journey, as I align with the support and love of mother earth., I see the gifts she offers me within her cycles of transformation.

Autumn - Shed the old - letting go

Winter - Resource, get clear, rest

Spring - New beginnings, birth of the new reality

Summer - Expression, celebration

As I shed the old and replace the new, go within and resource myself. Get clear and see the fruits of my seed planting grow and express in celebration of who I am...and the gift of life's journey...

Thank you Mother Earth

Love Marakihya

Nelson Mandela - Thank you for this...

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are all powerful beyond measure.

Its our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are we not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking to that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us.

Its not just in some of us: its in every-one.

And as we let our own light shine, we un-consiously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others...

Namaste*** Nelson Mandela *** Namaste

Love Marakihya

The gift of relationship...

My closest relationships are my biggest mirrors, offering my gifts of greater clarity.

Sometimes I ge lost in the illusions, caught in my head, I need to move back into my heart, scared of the emotion - making it bigger and my life harder.

Stepping into my heart, connection honestly with myself and allowing myself to feel again, letting the tears flow and therefore gaining the gifts from the intense emotion. The needs arise that were not met in the moments those memories and emotions where created. Therefore offering me greater clarity, that I desire...and no longer being afraid of those 'big' emotions.

I never felt safe to be totally honest about how I felt. Scared it would bring my family and friends crashing down around me or running as far as they can.

I just want to live and feel safe always in my relationships, my connections and know in time the more I connect and feel, the more I will be able to be present within those connections, rather than being triggered from the past.

Love Marakihya

Forgiveness was the key to creating my dreams...

Forgiving my past and myself meant acknowledging my life up until this point was a lie to some extent, as well as my utter truth.

In that I had handed my power over to my abusers and ''blamed'' them for my life not being all I wanted it to be.

Forgiving them meant taking back my power and owning responsibility for my life. Not blaming anyone, anymore, and recognising we are all just trying to get our needs met.

Also in the process of noticing therefore I had lived a lie until this point and forgiving myself for this was a major step in wanting to take the reins of my life and creating the reality I wanted to live.

Allowing my life choices to support my new reality. Removing the bands from my wings and dusting off the limiting beliefs, so as to choose ones which support the new reality I am wanting.

Living my dreams....

Connection...

Completion and letting go, totally making room for the new to grow.

Creating the reality I am wanting to create, full of connection, peace, playfulness, abundance and flow.

Welcoming joy and co-creation into my life, accepting support and nurturing.

Welcoming friendship and the fruits it brings, honouring my needs and owning my life and its responsibilities.

Rejoicing in my ability to live joyously and giving to others unconditionally and receiving in the same truth.

Connection means, joy, fun, play, love and support....

Ah yes please....so it may be.

Love Marakihya

Who I AM....?

Daily as I reconnect with the truth of who I am, I come to realise there is no susinct description for it.

For I am one and I am all.

As I move through life, I experience different roles and relationships .

Simply reflecting my beliefs of who I think I am.

So is who I am who I believe I am for this is the reality I experience.....

For if I am one and all, there is no definition for who I am at all...

So in essence, I can only say I am love like one n all...

Authenticity...

Creating my own reality....

Accepting wholeness - my whole self.

My shadow offers gifts of greater clarity.

When I live in wholeness, accepting what is

I create the reality I want to live.

My heart guiding the way and

My shadows fading away.

My hope for living authentically

Becomes my Reality....

Love Marakihya

Sometimes I disappear...

Sometimes I feel that I disappear,

Really though, I am just

Stepping into my shadows....

Only to return clearer and

More aware of my wholeness

And who I am....Love xxx

See yourself in the light....

Ah this song spoke to my soul, and the line regarding the dark (my abuse memories), and how to scare away the vampires trying to drink my blood, he says to lead them to the light.

In essence thats what I do with my memories from my abuse, because they are gifts, they help me see the illusions I have created about myself and the world I live in. At the same time, they have some how kept me safe...maybe not living from a space of love however non the less, a gift as seeing them means I see the light in me...see the truth...so each day I am being faced with more dark, and thats ok because without it I would not see the light.

So I share this song, as a little reminder, that the beautiful people reading this, on your dark days whatever that means to you, just remember to lead them to the light...

Much Love Marakihya

Surrender out of choice, the memories...and the lesson of allowing..

Its been ages since I posted, allot has changed, shifted, transformed, and my past each day is becoming more that, however at the same time the intensity of what my body is remembering from my past has been intensifying by a thousand fold....as I recently experienced something for the first time this life time, out of choice rather than force.

Surrender, ah that word conjures up so many emotions and memories as I sit with it. I have been the master of holding on, of not surrendering, and control, and of making excuses as to why it wasn't safe to surrender and why?

I finally found out why when I was met by and incredibly beautiful man, that sat with me, connected with me, and saw all of me without running from the pain, anger, fear, rage that he saw in my heart....and it was the first time I had experienced such presence and willingness from a man to connect with me deeply, as this is sooo not common place in society, and I too never felt safe to do this...I was clearly ready and longed to be seen! What woman doesn't!

So the trust was built and I opened up, I was asked to surrender and I was the one that set the boundaries, and I am sure those of you that have been abused know how divine it is to feel its ok to say no and be the one to set the boundaries....ahhh.....

So as he stepped forward I was totally aware of my body, my being and its desire to surrender, to the soft loving being I am the divine goddess that I embody...to be met by a man fully seeing me, all of me, not afraid by what he saw....all of me...the light and shadow...and as he did layers of protection started to fall as I felt his presence, his respect, and by the time he was standing right before me, I was totally open, totally surrendered, and totally vulnerable....it was the most exquisite feeling ever....and it only lasted a few minutes, and then the pain hit like a thunder bolt direct from the sky right to the core of my being....I started to cry....and at the time had no idea why, however understanding was to follow.

I have noticed since the experience, how armoured I am, how I am closed down, and my feminine really doesn't feel safe to let herself shine, be the love that she is... I notice this through the way I walk, talk, eat, laugh, simply communicate, where I am at in my body and the presence and love I bring it each moment is generally always hidden behind my armour....and I don't feel this is my truth, as its only their out of fear of being abused, not seen, and being vulnerable and abandoned.

Because my experience of surrender, as a child, was one of force, and it not responded to a whole lot more pain than already being felt, by my boundaries not being respected and me not being see.

What I also understood afterwards was the first time I surrendered sexually, although the above was not sexual in any way... I was forced...and this time I wasn't. So I had finally experienced what I longed for in those moments when being abused. I experienced, respect, love and I was SEEN. So the beautiful gift of this experience was that it was deeply triggering and the pain I felt from being forced to surrender to men repeatedly came flooding back into my body...and it was crippling to say the least....

The next day I shut down, in total emotional overwhelm, and eventually I felt safe enough to let go and surrender to the pain and let it flow and the tears certainly flowed....and the deep pain rose up and lifted, over and over again like a big stormy sea....and my body was simply some drift wood amongst it riding the waves....with no direction but letting go...I felt a massive relief afterwards but at the time I certainly did not want to be in my body!

Since then daily, my body has released memories, the most random things triggering me, which at times is very unsettling, as before this experience the triggering had really settled down and I was getting into a comfortable flow. However going so deep so quick meant the layers...before the core, also needed clearing, so thats where I am at now.

I am truly grateful for the experience, in that its help me get in touch with emotions so tightly held in my cells I clearly felt on some level need a big push to come out. I now feel so much safer to surrender to painful feelings as they come up, and to stay in my feminine more, as it was a truly empowering feeling, to be the one to set the boundaries. It has also helped me understand the importance, of allowing myself to create story around my memories so that the new neural pathways are formed and peace prevails when I am next triggered. However I have also learnt some valuable lessons from it as well.

Not someone to do things in halves, I understand the desire for people to heal their abuse story as quickly as possible, because mine came up out of the blue 18 or so years after it happened...it was like pandora's box was opened and it hit my life like a massive tornado! So sitting with the aftermath of the tornado, I pushed hard to get it cleaned up asap....

However after this experience I have come to realise, pushing my body so hard, although has meant I have shifted allot quickly my physical body has been melting in the process, normally one to love exercise and adventure, every time I attempt any I am getting sick, my adrenals are done, from being used excessively daily just to get through and therefore my immunity shot!

So I would say to others, wanting it OVER AND DONE WITH remember its a journey, and its allot more enjoyable if you have the energy to have fun in between the moments of memories being re-written...and going to hard and fast will mean in those moments when you could be out having fun, you are stuck in bed...recovering...and it aint fun! Allowing the process to unfold in alignment with your physical body is allot more enjoyable...and it means those memories are just part of your journey right now, not all of it ;)

Thank you to my friend who helped me heal, and all those that support me on my journey, your love, respect and support is lovingly appreciated....

With Love Marakihya xxx

Bikram Yoga - A blessing in disguise!

Bikram yoga came into my life a while back now, I use to practice it in London, which was such a blessing to feel hot and sweaty when the majority of the time I was either cold or luke warm!

However since returning to Australia and getting back into it a whole new level or expansion and transformation has unfolded in my classes and I am writing about it here, because anyone on a journey of greater self discovery and deep healing from trauma, I feel would benefit from regular practice, one caviet,,,only if you are up for a challenge...

Maybe the major shift has come about because back in London I had no awareness of what I had experienced as a child and I was not consciously shifting and healing the wounding and beliefs and finally allowing the emotions from that period of my life to flow...as it was I was simply living in the reality of no awareness..

Now though my classes have really become ME TIME...processing time, relaxing time, challenging time and most of all a great place for me to stay present grounded and connected...which has been my key to being able to live my life on a daily basis without feeling totally overwhelmed by all the memories and emotions I am now experiencing without much control of when they crop up!

Just realised I have not explained for those of you who don't know the style of yoga, why its so hard and yet so beautiful...the room is heated to around 37' and then about 90% humidity...there are 26 postures in total half standing and half based from the floor...there are reasons for all of this and if you want to learn more about it google 'bikram yoga'.

However what this means for me...and my journey...is a place I can stretch, and allow the memories to flow out of me in a warm supported environment. Throughout my healing journey my physical body has played a vital role in that...I feel it in my body allot. As a new wave of memories come up to be healed I feel intense emotions lifting of me during my classes and also during my meditations. Sometimes I am drawn to cry in class and find it hard to stay still. As movement helps suppress emotions, however I persist as I know that if I do stay still and let go it gets intense and then lifts, and then I become lighter, and that feels yumi.

Some classes are harder than others, most generally I can say that if I am feeling emotionally tense then class is going to make me face it...because as I twist and constrict muscles, joints and tendons ect...nothing can hide that is ready to move on....everything movement is balance...my heart is opened massively and on both sides...there is no place to hide. Where as on a day to day basis i will often find myself holding my body in certain ways to protect myself or whats actually underneath...the emotion...and in class I can't.

During class too its common for people to feel light headed and fainting can happen, as well as feeling nauseous. As you can imagine the heat coupled with humidity and exercise and then releasing all the toxins from the organs and tissues not surprising this happens. Before in London this was not a major challenge for me, however now has become a big one...as fainting was a coping mechanism for me, and with trauma you heart rate often increases massively very quickly which is simulated in class. So every time I felt I was going to faint or my heart rate rose quickly I would loose it, have to sit down and not be able to push through, as I knew I wasn't at the stage I was going to faint but the feeling meant the memory and fear snapped in and exaggerated the whole experience. So to counteract this I decided to speak to my teachers as I was getting highly frustrated like my abuser was in the room stopping me from doing what I love. I asked them if they would be willing to be my safe person, if I were to faint, agreeing to keep me safe if I did faint. As knowing if I did faint it would be in a room full of strangers made it even worse, but if I knew there was someone watching out for me, then I could push myself that little bit harder, and not feel like my abuser was winning.

Its worked and now I am able to often push through moments of light headedness or nausea and high heart rate and re-ground myself, let go and flow!

My new experience which I am still learning to deal with is at random times of rest during the class, my whole body shudders or flinches like its just been electrocuted...it feels odd and then in that moment, the only way to explain it is , I feel traumatized and want to ball my eyes out. I use my grounding technique to bring myself back to the present and sometimes let a few tears out...and then later when meditating set the intention to go into whatever was asking to come out during my class..not holding onto the outcome.

Occasionally my teachers have made quiet comments to me that I am safe...and it helps bring me back to the now...another affirming my existence here. I always talk to them after class...and it always in my struggling classes that they comment on my determination and how my energy feels very strong to them. I enjoy getting this acknowledge...as I feel more understood...as its not been easy facing my trauma in a class however for me has been an empowering experience, that to know that even when I have triggered it won't take over my life unless I let it...and when I ask I can get the support I need to LIVE the life I want to.

I am not the only one who struggles in class too and others also cry, and we support each other by staying standing when we want to sit down and not face up or stand up when we are feeling overwhelmed. It may sound like I am not honoring how I am feeling, although I am standing and facing it, its in that, which is also where I am letting go and allowing myself to be and if when I am in a posture an intense rage comes over me...I greet it and then it continue on its journey out of me. Its tough, but I love the challenge, its empowering to feel the scariest of emotions and still be able to live for me.

Every single class is different and every single teacher brings a greater gift of awareness to me, and for this I am truly grateful.

Namaste Bikram. and the teachers who guide me.

Love to all Marakihya

Living...possible with PTS....yes....Transcendental Meditation

WOW....I love how the universe provides just what you need when you request support....I have meditated on and off for years and years and never found one that really hits the spot for me UNTIL NOW...

Transcendental meditation.....came into my awareness last year and has PROFOUNDLY changed my life for FOREVER MORE....and the biggest gift is the major symptoms I was experiencing at an increasing rate have now dissipated dramatically!!

The reason is because I was constantly increasing the stressed stored in my body and the sleep I was getting which is designed to help you process your wakeful times and de-stress the body was not enough....I was increasing more than I was decreasing basically....and I struggled to stay centered, grounded and the coping strategies were just that and I no longer wanted to cope! I wanted to live again....

I was 'taught' by Gary Garrow...a divine human being blessing this world with his presence and gift of wisdom a trillion times over....Thank you Gary ;)

His website if it resonates to look into it more.... http://www.garygorrow.com/

So why's this so amazing for me....each time I meditate I take my body into a deeper (about 4 times deeper than sleep) state of relaxation....and when your body is in that state it naturally starts to let off stress...so I am reducing my stress levels massively.....twice a day for 20mins its soooo easy...

So I am able to stay more grounded and centered and my need for coping has gone...as I am less triggered as I am more grounded and able to think and stay centered!

So easy, so profound.....I no longer cope....and I am still processing my memories....however as new ones come up....they no longer pull the rug from underneath me...yeh!! I feel more in control and safe....

There are so many tools out there to help on the healing journey of trauma, for me this by far has been the most effective, profound and transformational...

Check it out if it resonates...

Much Love Marakihya

Sometimes the unknown is scary beyond measure and then you realise thats life...we are always stepping into the unknown...

The last month has been intense the say the least, with many unknowns about my future and as I am aware that one of my coping mechanisms is control its been even tougher...

However the last week the unknown has taken on a whole new level of scariness to say the least...I am not sure why and I am still learning about the effects of trauma and the recovery, however my body seems to be remember the trauma...and I keep getting triggered by so many things and with it comes a bodily and emotional memory...it is so random and I can't even seem to pinpoint the triggers...and its so subtle in how it comes about...however when it hits wohee...it hurts...and normally with pain there is s story...a logical story to go with it...however due to my amnesia I don't have a very clear story....so I just feel horrible....rage, angry, fear, sadness, suppression ect and my body is tense and tired and sore....energy pulsing through me feels all stuck...and then I get these dark flashbacks....images that are cloudy....its just horrendous!

One of the hardest challenges I am facing right now is being a mother and healing this, dealing with these moments when I have a very young daughter...who through of course no fault of her own is triggering me also...she is around the age where I first believe I was abused and I have been told this too can be a trigger as they reach the ages where we were traumatized as children...

All I am wanting, needing is to feel safe and free to laugh and play and enjoy this divine age she is at...however days I find myself struggling just to even connect, and this must be soooo painful for her....as it is for me....

We have also spent allot of 1:1 time with each other over this past week...and I have loved hanging out with her...enjoying our new home and the divine area we are living in, being so close to the beach and the lake has been such a blessing, water has always been so cleansing for me, I am very grateful...

I have found myself craving things which help me tune out, as I can't seem to escape the pain and not even sure if its helpful for me to allow it just to flow and rage like I feel my body wants too...there have been many tears, however not soothing as they use to be....

I have also noticed I have gone back to my old ways of not being grounded, constantly catching myself out with things that remind me if I am actually here or not!

I felt I was finally stepping forward in this healing journey...however maybe the stress of the move and the events of the past month have just all been allot and this might not of been so hard if the previous month had been more peaceful...who knows...and I guess it doesn't matter anyways...as all I have is the now....

Writing has been a saving grace for me...getting out of my head and helping me ground back into my body, it meets my needs for understanding, for as I write I see the picture, I see the sense of it all...and are then able to step back into the flow and journey I am on, knowing all is perfect and divine...and the unknown is all we have and its the gift in that it leaves for space for creating a new...

Love to all

Marakiyha

Endings and new Beginnings...or is it just life...and its eb and flow

Its been ages since I wrote...and allot has been transforming on many levels...

There have been some massive endings...and from this divine re-birth....however something that has come from it that has been a massive gift of sorts, is the complete and utter contentment with how everything is and complete and utter gratitude for everyone and everything...

Last week as I was sorting through old boxes from my childhood in preparation for our move...letting go of the old...and I remembered allot of people who had crossed my path and our stories came to mind....

In the past I look at those stories from the viewpoint of them affirming my lack of worth to some degree or another...these days however I noticed the gifts each and everyone of them had brought to my love and my heart welled with love and gratitude for them all. Sure of the experiences had not been so enjoyable, yet there were sweet gitfs within each of them and looking back on them from a space of perfection, balance and love I was able to see them...

It also showed me how far I had come...in terms of my own internal mirror I am projecting now...

And then as always the universe gives me a little affirmation...and this time it was a yumi youtube viedo...talking about life and its perfection and how when we see it so, the truth of it all..wow, well for me it just affirmed my choice in my daily creations of love...

So I recommend taking a moment to listen to this and enjoy the pictures and notice how you feel inside and how your body reacts to these words...

Ready for 2012 & Beyond - Abraham Hicks

With Love Marakiyha

On the wings of Angels...

May my next steps be taken....as tears flow as I write this post, in mourning for a relationship and a union I held dear to my heart....I ask that my angels carry me through this massive transformation I am going through....a few nights ago...after the end became final...I stumble across this song on youtube....well you can say stumble but actually I think it was my angels letting me know they are near and hear me....are holding me and helping me through this massive time of change....as I listened to the words of the song....they resonated so deeply with my heart....and as my arms swung wide open falling to the ground in despair...I let me heart let go....the tears streamed down my face...my body convulsing in release....

The song many of you will know...


How cleansing and healing my tears have become for me on this journey...for too long I would not let them flow for fear of the emotion that came with them....however now after hours of crying...I recognise and have experienced the deep healing and clarity that comes with the letting go and honoring of how I am feeling...

I now welcome my tears...and feel 'safe' to honor the emotions that are asking me to see more deeply into myself...I also now see how so much of my energy has been taken up with living with beliefs that are not meeting my needs and are based on decision made via fear not love...and then perpetuating this suffering with suppressing emotions that where letting me know its time to change....to shift...to transform my reality I am creating...and STOP looking outside of myself to change my 'surroundings in hope of bring greater peace within....

As I noticed today and have also been trying to show my daughter...it does not matter what is going on externally....you can be surrounded with complete chaos...yet sitting in a complete state of peace....however the chaos will rub you up the wrong way if you are not honoring the chaos within that needs your attention....so I now look at a messy room differently....its now a reminder when I am getting frustrated with the chaos to look within and honor may chaos and create the peace within first....

So in the arms of my angels, I give thanks for the love and support my dearest friends have shown me on my journey....with you and my angels holding me I have managed to deepen, strengthen and love the truth of me and my shadows a little more and see they gifts with greater clarity that going within offers...

Namaste Marakihya

My life has been a lie...to enter the abyss...

Delving deeper in my current truths the beliefs that have been shaping my reality, one painfully controlling one is that I am worthless...yes worthless...and in response to getting triggered in this belief, I become angry and avoid all connection...in the hope of feeling powerful...well this leaves me in one lonely place...and I no longer want to create this reality....

Sure my head says I am worthless, however my heart does not believe it....lol not!!

So up until this point in my lfe I have been living and believing and creating the reality that I am worthless all the while trying to disprove this,,,approving of it...

Basically meaning,,,that I have lived a lie....OUCH to say the least...for numerous reasons...however a biggy being that I let myself live with such a ridiculous belief which has held me in a pattern of suffering...and all that I have created has been a lie...my ego although had me believing otherwise...

Now choosing, to no longer live this lie....and live from my heart not my head, I come to a moment where I no longer know myself for who I use to be was based on a big fat lie....and who I am in this moment is a worthy person....

However to really integrate that reality into my being into my living....experiencing that as a truth..there is one step I have taken which has been tough to say the least....

Forgiving others has not been the issue...forgiving myself for allowing myself to live with such a lie for so long for creating a life that was a lie...ouch...pain poured out of my heart, in fact out of every cell in my body...such sadness and grief...for the life I wanted to be living, have lived and the suffering I have caused myself...

Accepting my life until this point has been a lie has probably been one of the toughest things I have done...on all levels...as it meant facing, my past, the abuser and no longer standing in victim-hood, but in an empowered loving empathetic state....

I am exhausted,,,,I am relieved...and I am excited about re-birthing myself in my new reality...

With Love Marakihya

Connection - To Connect or Not to Connect

I recently experienced a 'field center facilitation' with a dear friend....and it came into my conscious awareness why authentic connection with another human being was so difficult for me and well downright scary!

When we delve into our ourselves for the answers to our questions....why is there xxx in my life? we often come across our belief systems which in the past were created to serve us and get our needs met, however through our life experiences we have realized that the belief system we once held is no longer serving and getting our needs met. It then comes up to be transformed into one which will meet our needs once again and come into greater alignment with who you are wanting to be today and what you are wanting to experience...

Now back to the beginning...Connection has become a topic of conversation in my life which has been heightened since having my daughter, as she has asked me to connect with her on a daily basis since she was born and it wasn't until I had her that I realised how anti I was about connecting with people full stop!

I noticed as I started to delve deeper into how the abuse in my childhood had affected my current reality a whole truck load of anger came up...I had experienced stages in my life before where I had been angry but nothing like this....at the time it felt like it took over me, every cell in my body...and whenever I was triggered it would come flying out of the cupboard like there was no tomorrow, literally!

Obviously the anger that would come up created more separation in my dearest relationships, as I was scared of it, let alone people closest to me...the anger manifested in behavior that was downright horrible, yelling, screaming, shouting and slamming whatever I could get my hands on...I never physically hurt anyone, however I know on some level it was emotional abuse, and for this I am truly sorry....

I would often try and sit with it after the moment had passed and see where it was coming from....a myriad of reasons would come up, however I could never really pinpoint one...or a belief around it which gave it reason to be....also because of how I felt when I had submerged myself in it...allowing it to take over...I then became scared to really address why it had come about in the first place...

So this lead to me avoiding authentic connection with everyone, I knew I was not properly connecting, however I have lived that way for so long...I just used the excuse that I was dealing with 'big stuff' at the moment, so it was best people weren't close to me anyways....especially people closest to me, because I was scared I would get triggered and when I was triggered I found it hardest to keep in control of the anger....

Well this of course was not serving me, as it lead to the creation on loneliness, and that is not fun to live with...it was not serving my need for connection in any way....yet I felt safe and this confused me..

So finally in the field center facilitation I realised the belief which held me in my loneliness cycle...which is....connection = obliteration of myself...I will no longer exist, I will merge into the other person, dissolving, and then comes whats the point of living??? its one painful belief system...however I created to keep myself 'safe'....as one of the first major intimate relationships in my life was tainted, the abuse experience meant I decided that connection was not safe, I was not 'seen' when I connected with people and therefore its 'safest' not to connect!

Now of course this is distorted, however at the time I did not have the life experience, and did not feel safe to talk with anyone about it...to make sense of it...so since that moment on, I have purposely not connected with people, hiding behind who I thought they wanted me to be...not expressing who I was, because it was not safe....and I have always wondered why the friends I cared about the most, often if not always seemed to travel, live in another country or moved into state....it meant I did not have to connect on a deep level....they were not around, asking me to....and I know its been a frustration for my family when I have been overseas not connecting often...however for me it was convenient...not that I did not care, for I did and do deeply, just my belief meant this was was best...my existence was more important, I wanted to feel like I had a reason to live and not believe what I felt in those moments when I was abuse...that I was not worthy to be seen, heard or even felt....

So the belief system I do want to hold now is that connection = fun, joy, easy, supportive, however when I was asked if I wanted to now choose this it was like someone was asking me to commit suicide....and there was NO WAY I was going to do it....

I sat with this complete rejection and asked why it was that choosing a reality that would mean my needs where met, so so horribly terrifying and wrong for me...and what came was all to do with the anger...

Anger is not accepted in society as an emotion that is ok to express in any way shape or form...and whenever I expressed anger it hurt people, it was rejected and I chose to feel rejected, however as a little girl experiencing sexual abuse...I was angry beyond words....and my inner child is...and to me by accepting the new belief was saying the anger was not ok...however I had every right to be angry as my need for safety and protection was not met....for understanding and autonomy....and I needed someone to sit with me and let me be angry and rage and just feel...what I had suppressed for 25years or so.....to me that is letting myself grieve for my inner child that was overshadowed by this experience until now...for the lost connection....I do not regret my past for it has shaped who I am choosing to be today...and the awareness this experience has brought me is a gift...

I would often sit with myself wanting to cry...however this anger would over shadow my need to cry...I wanted someone to sit with me while I could allow the anger to flow...the rage to flow...and once that was gone the tears could finally follow....

So I am sure more will be revealed when I have moved through the above...and authentic connection prevails in my life...wow day dreaming about that reality...its a joyful, love filled reality....TBC...

If you would like more information about field center facilitation which I highly recommend, please go here... http://www.parentingwithpresence.net/index.php?pageid=1712

With Love Marakiyha

The gift of relationships...

This journey has shone a bright light on all of my relationships, especially the closest ones...the people who I consider family, who are family....and wow this journey as really put them to test to say the least....the closest ones have been pushed the most...my biggest mirrors....my closest relationships have asked to me to set straight the limiting beliefs I hold about myself....

This to me is the gift of relationships...the mirrors they are for us, because without them we would not experience all we are and all that we are not....and this journey as been very much about getting real about who I am....and who I am not....and coming to peace with all of it...

However I have struggled with the toll it has taken....on the people dearest to me....and you know who you are....I have been told by them that they think I don't care about them...that their health and happiness are not important to me anymore and haven't been for a long time...and boy did that cut deep....because at the end of the day the LAST thing I want them to think....because i DO care so deeply about them....and its been hard not being able to be there for them...because this journey as been so tough on them as well....and I know this...the person I was, the person I am somtimes morphs into something I don't even recognise....anger, frustration, pain take over, my inner child does everyone thing in her power to try and gain control again and feel safe...however externally this looks like me shutting out my loved ones and not caring....but please know I do...I really do...and I feel SOOO blessed that you have stuck by me on this journey....

The gratitude I hold in my heart for you can not be put into words because its so great...for the support, the trust, the love and the greater clarity you offer me about myself, which has been so helpful on this journey, even though at times more challenging than I thought I could handle...

I have struggled at times to stay connected to myself, let alone anyone close to me...and I know the connection starts with me....however at times I have chosen to float...as more 'stuff' has come up to face....processing has also been hard....as my memory has been so temporary and distorted....I find I sometimes just struggle remembering what I am wanting to achieve each day and having a simple conversation at times can even be frustrating because words elude me...memories elude me....and its embarrassing....these are not excuses....I hope in sharing my inner world you will see, people might understand...that its not about them but so totally about me and me just trying to get my needs met....by whatever means I can...not dis-regarding your needs....just needing to focus on me...so I then have something however small to offer when I can offer connection....and yes there is room for me to communicate more clearly around what is really going on for me and I am working on communicating in a clearer way...however for now this blog is a starting point...and NVC is slowly being integrated into my way of being...

A gift that came into my life this year was Non Violent Communication (NVC) and its this that has helped me get more in touch with whats 'really' alive for me when I am struggling to connect with the people I love...helping to get the root cause of my fear and then get in touch with the needs which I am not meeting which is causing me to fear the connection in the first place....it has brought peace into my life when I have sat there replaying a conversation that went totally into head and hurtful words rather than heart and loving compassion and understanding....

For those interested...the website is www.nonviolentcommunication.com

I hope in time as I learn to change my language and communication to a less violent one...the people I love will know how deeply I care, and that it won't be too late....and that the gift they bring to my life is received more in gratitude, rather than fear and challenge...for its exactly that a gift and opportunity for greater clarity....

Love and gratitude to all xxx

Living Authentically...

I recently returned from a holiday of sorts where I got together with like hearted parents who share the value of allowing their children to express all range of emotions, not just the happy ones....where its ok to sit with your child and be present with them while they cry and release the tensions and stresses that have been accumulating during their journey....rather than try and comfort them and ask them to suppress the anger, or frustration which naturally arises as a child learns and grows....as adults we have the ability to release tensions through conversations children are yet to fully understand and articulate their emotions let alone understand why they came about....so rather than teach them that anger is not ok and that feeling un-certain or frustrated is not ok behavior we say we want to hear how you are feeling...and a clear indication a child is not feeling fabulous is their lack of desire to connect with you in a present way.....don't get me wrong I am no expert on the topic I am simply sharing my experience...and its one that is growing in awareness daily.....what is at the bottom of it all though for me right now is teaching our children its ok to be AUTHENTIC no matter what they are feeling....

How many of us go about our day in an authentic way...being honest about how we are feeling....I wonder if their are others out there who do not feel safe to honestly respond to someone when they ask....how are you? I wonder if this is because of what (my experience) society has taught us, that anger, frustration and sadness are not to be openly expressed in comparison to happiness, excitment....or that as children we weren't taught to empathize, rather comfort and help the person only get back to 'feeling better'...rather than honor how they are feeling and then get to the bottom of it and understand what needs are not being met, then actually help them create a way of getting those needs met...rather than suppressing them....

Being authentic is saying yes I have needs and needs for empathy....for understanding...for deep, honest connection.....so caught up in being seen to be coping....pride gets in the way of saying...no my needs are not getting met right now and I feel....sad, angry....and I am the one who can change it yet I would really love some support to help me get clear about what those needs are....

It wasn't only the children who were encouraged to be honest...to cry if they needed to and speak candidly about how they were feeling...the adults, the parents were openly welcomed and encouraged to, and what surprised me, maybe I was naive, was that everyone had 'stuff' going on and I mean everyone...even the ones that 'externally' looked like they were happy, balanced, peaceful people....had stuff they were dealing with....and again I was reminded we are all on a journey...here to learn lessons, chosen lessons, and the gift of authentic relationships is that we can offer others, not the answers but insight which may help them find the answers they need for their journeys...for our answers are not anothers....as we are all experiencing life in different ways...due to our belief systems....conscious and not...so its not about one truth but about the truth of the now that will help us as an individual live a more authentic aligned aware life...

All around authenticity offers so much more than living in an image from our minds which is impossible to live up to and is based on others opinions...and not our own authenticity and at the end of the day authenticity is the most beautiful we can be....because...its a gift to ourselves...and to others....

Since on my journey...being more authentic with others has meant people have opened up to me so much more, my relationships with some of my friends have deepened as we have seen each other in wholeness in authenticness (if that's a word) and found it connected us more not less...

We ALL want everyone to be happy, at peace and living their lives to the fullest....I truly believe all humanity wants to live authentically...because when we do we unite, we see the beauty in others and share the beauty that we are...

I want for everyone to feel safe to be authentic...and I want my child to know that being authentic is a gift to this world and all that she is, will be welcomed with compassion, love and celebration....because there is no shame in being human in being real, living from her heart passionately sharing herself with whoever is blessed to cross her path...

So maybe next time you are asked 'how are you?' you will remember the gift of what authenticity can bring to that moment and that relationship....